Fighting Fear's Clutch

It’s funny how I never really grasp the power of fear in my life until it sneaks up out of the shadows and tries to shove me over a cliff.

And it tends to do exactly that – SNEAK up on me – because most often, I do not consider myself very fearful. I am typically the person who sees what she wants and goes after it. Even if it takes a lifetime to accomplish,…or I have to take a few detours to get there…I’m patient with the process. One step at a time. No biggie.

But recently, I’ve noticed two specific areas in my life where fear is threatening to reign.

1. Career

2. Love

You see, I’m a dreamer. Visions drive me. Dreams fuel my passion. They’re like my drug. I couldn’t imagine how I’d function without them.

Most of the time, the dreams exhilarate me. The possibilities of what this grand life could be.

And I am just stubborn and loony enough to try to make them happen.

But apparently there is a flipside to dreams that they don’t warn you about: They have costs. And they require risk.

That’s where fear likes to take hold. Whispering lies and drudging up insecurities – which is powerful and effective ammunition in breaking one’s spirit.

And I admit, it works on me…for a moment or two…as I am overwhelmed by the temptation to hide myself away from the scary, scary world.

After all, that’s safer.

No risk involved there.

But no abundant life there, either.

1. Career

On Monday, Susan posted a tweet about an agency looking for new writers. This is something about my career I have put on the back burner because frankly, it terrifies me. The publishing industry is a rollercoaster ride of ups and downs, of promising opportunities and of crushing disappointments. And frankly, no matter how good I am at writing or teaching, I SUCK at trying to describe the purpose/worth of GIOTGU to anyone on the outside.

And that’s exactly what a book proposal is – a selling pitch on why this book even needs to exist.

Enter fear.

And how does Carol deal with the fear? For two years, I buried the stupid proposal nightmare deep in the cobwebbed recesses of my computer and pursued other avenues instead. Risky avenues still…just not as scary.

Because I like to have control. The reason I enjoy building GIOTGU is because I am in total control (well mostly – besides the times when Elisabeth vetoes me). But still, it’s my baby, my dream, and I can create it into whatever I so desire.

So 2009 was a good year. Proposal buried. GIOTGU morphing. Carol happy.

Until the friggin’ tweet from Susan…

And I’ll admit I spent all day Monday whining. Everyone should thank Candi for being such a good sport and fielding my irrational behavior. But then I did buckle down and contact a few people for help and advice and I am now ready to tackle the beast, albeit slowly and still with much trepidation.

2. Love

In this area, I’ve always had the dream of what I want, of what makes my heart exclaim “YES! That’s it!”

… and yet, to have it now staring me in the face terrifies me.

I am fighting my flight instinct.

Because I can’t control how much this guy cares for me…and I don’t like not being in control. I’ve even tried to dissuade the dude by pointing out all of my flaws and spilling all of my deep-dark-ugly secrets and mistakes.

He cannot be deterred.

It’s sorta unnerving. Lol.

Not to mention that I simply cannot fathom that I am HIS dream come true.

Me? Really? Is that even possible?

Weird.

But he is well aware of this silly issue I have. And I have begged him to not let me run away – tie me down and drag me away kicking and screaming if you have to. Just don’t let me allow fear to get the best of me.

Who would have thought I am such a pansy.

But I can tell you – that in both of these areas – each day I am taking the risks, trusting my God, and trying to choose courage over fear.

born again

It blows my mind that this life of ours never stops. it never stands still. we are always growing and moving and shaping into someone new and different. and for the most part, I am very thankful for that. granted, there are several aspects of myself that remain the same, and several more things that are uniquely me that i never want to change. but i'm not necessarily talking about losing yourself...but more discovering a clearer glimpse of who you are, what you were created for, and what truly fulfills you.

for me these "revelations" typically come through random circumstances, challenges, or even heartbreaks in life - where i am delightfully surprised by the embrace of hope and the realization that my heart's desire (previously hidden to even me) might actually waltz into my life. it's new life. a new beginning in the midst of a tired worn down life.

and i am thankful because that's the kind of God i have...one who knows me better than myself and is excited to unveil my dreams to me...one who never lets me go....one who is out to get me...one whose pursuit i cannot dissuade no matter what i do. He desires good for me. bottom line. and it truly is more than i can ever imagine.

i pray that i might always be able to reflect on my life from time to time...

...that i might continually be "surprised" by His goodness and love...

...and that my soul is able to sing these words, as they do now.

Today I found myself
After searching all these years
And the man that I saw, he wasn't at all who I thought he'd be
I was lost when you found me here
And I was broken beyond repair
Then you came along and you sang your song over me

It feels like I'm born again
It feels like I'm living
For the very first time
For the very first time
In my life

Make a promise to me now
Reassure my heart somehow
That the love that I feel is so much more real than anything
I've a feeling in my soul
And I pray that I'm not wrong
That the life I have now, it is only the beginning

I wasn't looking for something that was more
Than what I had yesterday
Then you came to me and you gave to me
Life and a love that I've never known
That I've never felt before

It feels like I'm born again
It feels like I'm living
For the very first time
I'm living for the first time
It feels like I'm breathing
It feels like I'm moving
For the very first time
I'm living for the first time
In my life

toward redemption

it irritates me that just when i think i am getting through a few things in my past, they creep out of the shadows and bite me in the ass.

yesterday i had a rough day.

felt defeated by my past. pissed off at myself and certain situations, etc.

but this insight was shared with me this morning - and it gave me perspective and hope. so i wanted to post it.

"Unfortunately, when we messy humans make a "mess", the clean up phase sometimes lasts a little longer than we might like. Because we made the mess in the first place there is little to do but put your head down, drop to your knees and start scrubbing the stain. Every now and again it rises to the surface even after you've scrubbed it clean....so you just have to drop back down and give it the once over one more time. And it sounds like that's what happened yesterday.

And you got down and scrubbed that stain one more time and eventually it will fade....or, you'll simply replace the carpet. ;-) So you've made some less than desirable choices as we humans tend to do. Shrug it off, realize you got your heart back from that confusing place you took it to, and smile that you were blessed with the strength of will, heart, soul and mind to pull yourself out of that place and God rewarded you for it. With me of course! :-D Cuz....I am a spectacular human being. Can I fix everything? Nope. I can't even wrap Christmas presents without bolluxing up the cutting!

So in short, you are pissed off by all that mess because you know now that it was a mess and nobody likes to clean up after themselves. :-) But those days are over. You have chosen a different path of love and fidelity and exploration and the happiness that choice will bring you will outshine any stain on your carpet."

Thank you, Tom. You might not be perfect, but I think you are damn near genius :)

shuv

I have a tattoo on my wrist that I got many, many years ago. It is a relatively small tattoo, but it still somehow seems to attract a lot of attention. Which was not my goal. Because it is very personal - perhaps the MOST personal of all of my tattoos. So personal in fact, that when most people ask me what it means, I flat out lie to them.

But here’s the real story…and how it still affects me today.

The tattoo is the Hebrew word “shuv” which means “to turn.”

The tattoo came about at a time in my life when my identity was rocked…actually my entire sense of self was shattered. I felt like my whole world was caving in on me.

It was a dark, dark time when I needed hope.

And I found it (hope) in this promise:

“I will make an everlasting covenant with them that I will not turn away from them, to do them good; and I will put the fear of Me in their hearts so that they will not turn away from Me.”

The verse is in the Old Testament book of Jeremiah. And it actually comes in chapter 32…on the tail-end of 31 chapters steeped in warnings to the Israelite people – warnings about how their wickedness is going to result in Babylonian captivity…a national disaster that will destroy them as a nation and uproot them from their land.

Dark, dark times –

…which was their own doing.

But God wraps that harsh reality in promise – a promise that He will not altogether turn His back on them, that He will bring them back to Him, that He will never, ever let them go, that they still…even with their wicked, prideful, selfish hearts…belong to Him.

…that He will not “turn” away from them and He will give them a heart that will not “turn” away from Him.

Beautiful Hebrew use of imagery.

“turn”

“shuv”

But it’s not at all easy to stomach when it hits home in your own life. A disaster that shakes you so badly, that you HAVE to cry out for any sort of hope just to hang on.

Like I said, that’s where I was so many years ago when I got this tattoo.

And that conflict in my soul continues to haunt me.

I’ve lived enough of my life to now know just how ugly my heart can be. That it is selfish and self-serving and scarred. And I think it is something that I am always going to battle. Like some people battle food or alcohol, I battle my heart’s ugly selfishness. “Human nature,” I think it is called.

A tension rages within me…because I know the ugly selfishness my heart is capable of…yet I also claw and fight to grab onto these words of promise…

…that I can be made new.

Sometimes I hate that I have branded this promise into my skin - because I hate what that word “to turn” demands of me…especially in times when I want to go my own way, do my own thing.

But then there are other days, like today, when I look down and feel embraced in that promise….because in those moments, I am SO aware of the divided nature of my heart. A heart that is so easily enticed by the various things seeking its attention, but also a heart that cries out, “Please LORD, keep Your promise. Give me a heart that will not turn away from You….because I can’t be faithful on my own.”

Today I again cry out in that desperation.

*sigh*

In fear that I have just talked in circles and failed to make ANY point whatsoever, here is a quote I found that seems to sum up how the entire message of Jeremiah continues to speak to my heart.

(from BibleCliffNotes, of all things! Ha.)

“The prophet's [Jeremiah] conception of human nature is well expressed in his statement "Can the Ethiopian change his skin or the leopard its spots? Neither can you do good who are accustomed to doing evil." Humans are so constituted that they follow their desires rather than their intellect; for this reason, they cannot change their evil ways until they experience a change of heart. Furthermore, Jeremiah contended that humans cannot change their nature by themselves. Such reform can occur only through cooperation with Yahweh, and Yahweh can act on human hearts only when humans recognize their need for it. Without this inner transformation in human nature, all reformative movements are destined to fail.”

My Jesus

I have a friend. We talk every day. About all sorts of stuff.

He calls me his head shrink. And I laugh at him.

Because, really! Who would be crazy enough to trust ME with that responsibility!

Plus, I feel inadequate most of the time.

Because his life is so different from mine. Our backgrounds, childhoods, life experiences, family, career paths – all of it, completely opposite ends of the spectrum.

But the differences seem to offer us an endless amount of things to talk about, and there truly is a deep sense of trust between us – which is super cool. I feel like we have been close friends our entire lives.

We talk about all sorts of stuff. Some silly. Some serious. And some super intense….

That’s where we were last week: intense conversations that touched on some very deep hurts, struggles, and life questions. And as a result, this friend of mine inadvertently shoved me towards a crossroads.

Because I had to be truthful with him…and it was sort of terrifying because it demanded I open my heart to him.

Let me explain.

I tend to keep my heart very guarded. I am getting more and more comfortable spilling my heart out here on this blog, but for the most part I am a private person. I do my own thing, work through my own issues, deal with things in my own time. And I allow everyone else the freedom to do the same.

But if you were to walk behind the closed doors of my heart, you'd see an interesting scene. A girl who repeatedly (and often on a daily basis) runs headlong into the embrace of her extravagant lover, the savior of her soul. These are typically very intimate scenes. We talk. I cry. We dance. We plan life. I ask questions. I rest in His presence and love.

I know in my deepest depths that He is the one I belong to. He alone owns my heart and always will. He alone fills my life with so much love that I cannot contain the joy, nor would I try to.

But like I said, these are private moments. I don’t shout it from the rooftops or run around all day gushing about Jesus’ great love. I think it inevitably spills out of my life in everything I do, but I don’t make a big show of it.

Please don’t misunderstand me. I am not ashamed of Him. I am just not forceful with Him into the lives of others. So in public, I think I come off as nonchalant about Him. Because by His own right, Jesus is intrusive, dangerous, demanding, and confrontational with people – so I don’t feel the need to help Him along.

But He is my everything. And has been for a long, long time.

So anyway, last week, this friend and I were talking about some serious life questions and when he posed a very specific question to me, I must admit I fell silent for a moment. The crossroads I was talking about.

Do I pander him the safe answer? Here are 5 steps to fix everything...blah, blah, blah.

Or do I open my heart, be honest with him, and share the only answer I truly believe in?

I had no intention to betray him or my own heart. So I did it. I pulled the “squirrel” card. (Yes, I broke my own rule).

I told him that the Creator of the Universe is the only one who can help. And that although I cannot even imagine the depth of pain life has thrown at him, Jesus is the only person I know who has been able to heal and satisfy the hurts in my own heart. And I believe He is the only one who can do that for anyone.

There is no other hope in this world.

OK, well I confess, I didn’t sound quite that eloquent when I was talking to him, but I think he got the gist.

And then I told him that it isn’t easy. And it isn’t quick. And it will probably hurt more to walk through it to healing than it did to be hurt in the first place. But I also told him I’d be here if he needed someone to walk the journey with him. That is, if he wanted to take that journey at all. And that we’d take it slow. No pressure.

My Jesus – the hope of the world. Even if it sounds cheesy, that’s who He is. And the possibilities of how that plays out in each of our lives in absolutely endless. And beautiful.

So yeah, here’s the proof to everyone out there that I am a horrible head shrink. Learn by my friend’s mistake and go pay a professional. :)

My Trends

Had an interesting conversation with a friend today about how I function in this crazy life of mine. How I tend to attack things in my life with a certain confidence …and I reminded her how often I still manage to fall on my face by doing that…career paths, job opportunities, boys….

*smile*

But I must admit, I wouldn’t go back and change a single thing. I mean, I’ve done my fair share of making stupid decisions, of jumping into things full of abandon and delusion. Actually I think I’ve done enough of that so that my friends don’t need to do it themselves. I’ve got them covered J

Even all the way back to college – thinking I was going to be a veterinarian…until failing chemistry happened….and then switching to secondary education/English teacher until….well, until I just got bored and realized I didn’t want to do that either.

And then pursuing my Old Testament passion through all kinds of twists and turns – seminary, traveling to Egypt, not being able to decide on a school – Chicago/Vanderbilt/Hebrew-Union – do I stay at home/do I go…and then attending SBL conference in Boston and wondering if I even wanted to teach that junk at all!!

And realizing I didn’t.

To trying to find a job…none of which related to anything my extensive education qualified me to do. LaRosa’s??? CCHMC Concierge??? Interviewing for a CU Resident Director position???

Really? Is there ANY rhyme to my reason?!!!

I told this friend that I tend to fall into my dreams. I might in a round-about way pursue them, but most of the time, they come up and bite me in the ass.

For example, the CWG book contest – I didn’t honestly think I had a chance to win at first. And I have NO idea how I survived the “book proposal” writing process. It was HELL. But then I got my semi-finalist letter…and then my finalist letter….and then my confidence grew and I knew in my gut that my name was going to be announced from the stage…and it was…and I brought home the big fat check…

I look back on all these things and I see just how often I throw my whole self into a bunch of randomness…and yet somehow, that is the ONLY path that could’ve even remotely brought me to where I am today.

I mean, I LOVE where I am today with the GIOTGU vision and I am completely confident in this path….but it has been a long and winding road getting here, that’s for sure!

Man, I must be hard to live with!

And do we even need to mention the drama I’ve gone through with boys??? Ha…that road has just been comical…entertaining… delusional…whatever adjective you want to use! But again, I wouldn’t change a single thing. Through them all, I have learned stuff about myself. I’ve learned what works, what doesn’t, what I want, what I don’t want.

I am 32 years old and wouldn’t change a single thing about myself. And I have learned the priceless value of having people in my life who accept me just as I am – with all of my quirks and faults and goofy irrational trends.

Isn’t that what life is all about, after all?

No change is a good change

I had my 6-month cardiologist check-up today. I felt very nervous going into it because I knew that there were basically only two outcomes: either 1) my aortic diameter had grown and I was closer or even AT the point to where surgery was necessary, or 2) the diameter hadn’t changed much and we wait another 6 months and check back in then.

Today’s measurement was 4.4cm – which means I win what is behind Door #2!

I am thrilled. Relieved even.

Yeah, 2% of me is a little eager to just get the surgery over with, but the other 98% of me figures, “dude, if you don’t HAVE to cut me open yet, then let’s not cut me open yet!”

So yeah, sometimes no change is a good change. Especially since this area of my life has been so whacked out for the past 2 years!