My Trends

Had an interesting conversation with a friend today about how I function in this crazy life of mine. How I tend to attack things in my life with a certain confidence …and I reminded her how often I still manage to fall on my face by doing that…career paths, job opportunities, boys….

*smile*

But I must admit, I wouldn’t go back and change a single thing. I mean, I’ve done my fair share of making stupid decisions, of jumping into things full of abandon and delusion. Actually I think I’ve done enough of that so that my friends don’t need to do it themselves. I’ve got them covered J

Even all the way back to college – thinking I was going to be a veterinarian…until failing chemistry happened….and then switching to secondary education/English teacher until….well, until I just got bored and realized I didn’t want to do that either.

And then pursuing my Old Testament passion through all kinds of twists and turns – seminary, traveling to Egypt, not being able to decide on a school – Chicago/Vanderbilt/Hebrew-Union – do I stay at home/do I go…and then attending SBL conference in Boston and wondering if I even wanted to teach that junk at all!!

And realizing I didn’t.

To trying to find a job…none of which related to anything my extensive education qualified me to do. LaRosa’s??? CCHMC Concierge??? Interviewing for a CU Resident Director position???

Really? Is there ANY rhyme to my reason?!!!

I told this friend that I tend to fall into my dreams. I might in a round-about way pursue them, but most of the time, they come up and bite me in the ass.

For example, the CWG book contest – I didn’t honestly think I had a chance to win at first. And I have NO idea how I survived the “book proposal” writing process. It was HELL. But then I got my semi-finalist letter…and then my finalist letter….and then my confidence grew and I knew in my gut that my name was going to be announced from the stage…and it was…and I brought home the big fat check…

I look back on all these things and I see just how often I throw my whole self into a bunch of randomness…and yet somehow, that is the ONLY path that could’ve even remotely brought me to where I am today.

I mean, I LOVE where I am today with the GIOTGU vision and I am completely confident in this path….but it has been a long and winding road getting here, that’s for sure!

Man, I must be hard to live with!

And do we even need to mention the drama I’ve gone through with boys??? Ha…that road has just been comical…entertaining… delusional…whatever adjective you want to use! But again, I wouldn’t change a single thing. Through them all, I have learned stuff about myself. I’ve learned what works, what doesn’t, what I want, what I don’t want.

I am 32 years old and wouldn’t change a single thing about myself. And I have learned the priceless value of having people in my life who accept me just as I am – with all of my quirks and faults and goofy irrational trends.

Isn’t that what life is all about, after all?

No change is a good change

I had my 6-month cardiologist check-up today. I felt very nervous going into it because I knew that there were basically only two outcomes: either 1) my aortic diameter had grown and I was closer or even AT the point to where surgery was necessary, or 2) the diameter hadn’t changed much and we wait another 6 months and check back in then.

Today’s measurement was 4.4cm – which means I win what is behind Door #2!

I am thrilled. Relieved even.

Yeah, 2% of me is a little eager to just get the surgery over with, but the other 98% of me figures, “dude, if you don’t HAVE to cut me open yet, then let’s not cut me open yet!”

So yeah, sometimes no change is a good change. Especially since this area of my life has been so whacked out for the past 2 years!

Please don't...

I hate to be hit on. Especially by people whom I have tried to make it VERY clear to that they probably shouldn’t even go there.

But one of those dreaded awkward moments happened this afternoon at work. A nice enough man…well, nice until I tuned into his intentions...and then he turned borderline creepy. For the past week or so, the atmosphere progressed from cordial business niceties to more personal questions…and lingering at my desk trying to prolong the conversations…and checking me out when he thought I wasn’t looking.

Sigh.

I know the old adage, “It never hurts to try.” Well, let me tell you…yeah, sometimes it does. Sometimes the girl makes it VERY clear she is not interested and when she does this, it means you should save face, spare both of you the awkward moment of rejection and…I don’t know…admire from a distance???

So to prevent any more confusion on the matter, here are Carol’s tell-tell signs that she is not at all interested in a guy. This is not a completed list. These are just a few I have picked up through experiences in the past. Feel free to add some more at the end in the comments section.

1. If you are 20 years older than me, then the answer is NO. Honestly! Why are you even CONSIDERING it as a possibility!!

2. If you come to my desk to “flirt”, and I seem aloof, disinterested, preoccupied, mindlessly busy…or I am talking about a new boy I just met…then that typically means I already sense your intentions and I am trying to dissuade you before you try to snag a window of opportunity to ask a question that you are ultimately going to get rejected for.

3. If all you want is sex…sorry buddy, you missed that boat by about 2 months.

4. If you are shorter than me…do I even have to go there?

5. If I don’t tell you straight out that I WANT you to kiss me, then I don’t want you to. So don’t even try.

6. Just because I am attractive and unmarried does not mean that I am desperate and will date anything that walks by. The very fact that I AM still unmarried at age 32 should clue you in that I obviously have standards.

7. There is a certain charm required in the pursuit of a woman. I am a girl, I loved to be pursued. I even like a man who knows what he wants and goes after it. But I am also an independent, stubborn-ass woman who can decide for herself. I do not like to be told what I want, who I want, and when I want it. I have a brain. I can decide for myself.

There is an even longer list of things that I WILL respond to…things that I am sure a smart, sweet, gentle, tall, studly, respectable man will one day figure out.

Oh wait, he already did.

:)

and I am completely enamored by him.

dare you to move

Trusting God is a challenge for me.

Well, let me rephrase that. Trusting God with things that I can control and accomplish on my own is super easy for me.

..but perhaps that isn’t really trusting Him at all…

Even mentally trusting God’s words of promise is not too scary…because you know, they always sound good and they give me comfort and warm fuzzies about how much God loves me even though I am utterly screwed up.

But God seems to never be content with just the devotion of my brain. He gets all possessive and demanding and wants me to actually walk out that trust…to take a step onto the proverbial bridge that I cannot see. To trust in a path that I would never think to carve out for myself…and trust in results that I cannot in any way procure by my own power or means.

And therein lies the challenge. I am a planner. I like to know where I am going and how exactly I am going to get there – just take a vacation with me and you will see this to be true.

But trusting God doesn’t work that way. There is a sort of helplessness to it –because it can never be halfway. And because it always entails something I cannot do myself…with an end result that I can never see in defined terms.

And of course, it never involves something of little value. He always demands the most precious things we hold in our hearts to trust Him with – which in my case, is most often MYSELF - my future, my heart’s deepest desires.

Sometimes I find myself in a place where I have no other choice – where I have hit rock bottom and the only way out of my mess is to lay myself in His hands and trust Him.

But then there are other times where I stand at a fork in the road. Where I can see the two roads diverging and I am well aware that I can choose either path…

His.

Or my own.

About a month ago that is where I stood.

And I don’t think I have moved very far down the road since then. My toes are pointed in the right direction, but even the term “baby steps” would be an overstatement. As I prolong each step, I can hear Him lovingly whisper to me, “Carol, you must do this My way. Just trust Me.”

Sometimes I like when my heart doesn’t have a choice. When He just compels me to choose Him. When I know without a shadow of a doubt what my heart wants. When I know anything less would never be enough…no matter what it costs or demands of me. When I am certain of these things, there is peace.

So He gives my brain pictures to go on – visions, even – and then urges my heart to respond…

I honestly sit here today and I am so thankful that He has proven Himself faithful so consistently throughout my life that I cannot doubt Him now. Because what He is asking of me is huge and scary, but I actually WANT to put my life in His hands.

There is a weird safety in this helplessness.

Damaged

Have you ever just pressed the pause button on life for a moment and thought, “How did I get here?’

Today was one of those days for me. Now I typically do not psychoanalyze myself too much, but today I just sat back and was bewildered by certain things.

Specifically, “When did I start believing so many lies about myself?”

Those who know me know that my claim to fame is my super high self-esteem. I know who I am. I know what I want out of life. I know what I am good at…and in most cases have no problem telling you about it. :) I know I am adorable and funny and smart, etc, etc, etc. Basically I am fabulous and I don’t mind everyone knowing it. Ha!

So on these rare occasions when the fears and insecurities do start creeping in, I typically have enough sense to recognize them as nonsense.

But today I battled.

The specific lies I battled today revolved around conclusions I made about my self worth because of how a certain relationship in my recent past ended.

I guess one positive thing is that as soon as I hear one of these lies, #1 – I know it is a lie, and #2 – I can pretty quickly and accurately trace where it came from. It is usually a combination of poor choices I made, coupled with how I interpret certain events, and resulting in conclusions I make about what is true in regards to my worth based on the words or actions of others.

I know, false logic. But it’s still hard to not get trapped in the vicious lies the words and actions (or lack of actions) of others can cement into our sense of self.

It blows my mind that at age 32, I still fail to choose well for myself.

I think I am just starting to realize the extent to which 5 years of indecision can damage a person.

There is a scene in Sunshine Cleaning where Amy Adams says, “I am good at getting boys to like me. I am very good at getting them to want to have sex with me…but none of them ever want to marry me.”

I almost cried. Words from my own depths. Because as the particular relationship I am referencing unraveled and was obliterated to shreds, I have been feeling those words true in my own life.

So I wanted to talk to God about it – and you know, in the process complete my homework for GIOTGU :)

I wanted Him to take each one of these lies and replace them with truth – with His definition of what is true about who I am, not the conclusions my jaded and injured self make up to protect myself from further hurt.

And again, since you screwed up friends of mine like to hear my psycho convos with God, I will share. Verbatim, of course.

Me: God, "The Ex's" lack of action and decision communicated to me that I am not worth the trouble – that I have too many “cons” in my personality to outweigh the “pros” – that I am too scary to be involved with because I am so risky – my health, my dreams, my intelligence. His fear communicated to me that I am just shy of being enough – I have enough good qualities to stack me right up to the line, but not enough to push it over the top – to convince/compel him (or any man) to want to choose me for life, to sacrifice for me, to build a life with me.
I spent 5 years associating my identity and self worth by how that man understood and loved me. As a result, I concluded that if he could not bring himself to choose me, then no one else ever will either - because in 5 years, you should know enough about a person to be able to decide.
So God, I need You to speak truth into these conclusions I have made.

God: Carol, I have already told you that I have designed you for marriage. You just have to trust Me with it.

Me: But I need You to clear all of this up before I can move on or even think of getting into a HEALTHY relationship with someone.

God: No you don’t. You just have to trust Me and find your worth in Me alone. Rely on Me for your identity and value…you can’t fix yourself to make yourself more desirable.

Me (smirking): …but that is what makes me feel better about myself…

God: I know it does. But you need to find your identity and worth in Me, not in how “put-together” you feel. I want you to stay broken and messy.

Me (not so thrilled with that idea): …but I don’t like being broken and messy. It's all uncomfortable, and vulnerable, and needy…

God: I know. (He nudges my arm and smiles – suggesting that THAT is exactly the point He is trying to make to me)

Me: Yeah, yeah. (I resign and smile.) Brat.

pensive

I recently read a story about a guy who was 35 years old before he told a girl he loved her.

I must admit that I sort of felt sorry for him.

…that he was that guarded...or protected...or non-committal…or scared of intimacy...

Whatever his reason

Maybe I am just too much the other extreme - I pour my heart out everywhere.

I love deeply.

And often.

And don’t really get dissuaded by the possibility of getting hurt - I just see that as part of the package

Love and pain go together. The deeper you love, the deeper it hurts.

But I don’t think a lot of people are like me. I know my sisters aren’t.

But I can see specific places in my life where I picked up this worldview – and how certain events shaped me in this fashion.

Even my personality type explains that I embrace both the good and bad in life.

This is how I am described:

EMOTIONAL STABILITY - A General Description of Your Reactivity
Each one of us encounters some hard times; we get caught off guard, or feel a sudden swell of emotion, whether from fear, joy, anger or sadness. Life is just like this sometimes. You know that because you are an emotional person. Some people go to great lengths to keep their emotions under wraps, to keep a stiff upper lip, to not let others know what emotions they are feeling. But that is not you. You embrace all of life's emotions, both the joys and the turmoil that life brings our way.

When you're having fun with a group of friends you don't even try to contain your pleasure; you laugh hard and feel every moment of the conversation because of the joy that comes from the experience. You make very intense friendships; ones where all of the depth of emotions that you feel can be shared. Emotions are such an essential part of your everyday life. You may cry at intense movies or when watching a sad story on the evening news. You get angry, at others or at yourself, and you do not stifle it. Emotions drive your personality and your relationships - you simply are what you feel.

You experience both the highs and the lows more profoundly than most. And you usually relish the intensity of your emotions. For sure you enjoy the positive times. There are those times, though, when your feelings get the best of you and you wonder how you will manage the moment. But because you are so in tune with all of your emotions you will experience something very pleasant and will be able to engage with that positive feeling to again enjoy the wonderful intensity that life brings you.

This is SO true. Brian used to call me the “whole spectrum of blue” – because when I am happy, I am like electric blue – contagious. But when I am sad or concerned about something, I fade into a deep blue – almost black.

He understood me well.

But anyway, those are my random thoughts for the day.

Embracing it

Lance, one of my fave security officers stopped by to chat this morning. I think he thinks I am mental anyway – because he has concluded that the only likely reason I can be 32 years old and still single - never married even - is because there must be something wrong in my head. I admit, I was offended at first. Still am a little. But I forgive him for being SO off base.

He says I am nothing like what he expected when he first met me. And even now, every time we talk, I tend to take the conversation to places “he never expects.”

Ha. He repeatedly shakes his head at me with a bewildered look on his face.

I perplex him I think.

He says I am complicated. Lots of layers.

Which CAN be true I guess – depending on what we are discussing.

This morning, we were talking about how I talk to God. And how God talks back to me.

In full conversations.

He thinks that is odd. Why would I expect the Most High to be interested in talking to me on a daily basis? Whether He loved me or not. I laughed.

I don’t know why. I just know He does.

So Lance thinks I am crazy. I even let him read a few excerpts of my God conversations from my blog . . . which . . . probably didn’t help my case any . . .

But I am OK with that.

And it left me wondering: Do people just not EXPECT God to respond or carry on a conversation with them?

Because I’d have it no other way. When I wrote my Immanuel post last week, I really came to terms with embracing this aspect of my craziness because I cannot imagine what a nutcase I would be if I NEVER heard God’s voice again. It is such a tangible aspect of His presence in my life – I just could not imagine life without it.

Granted, I understand sometimes there are times of silence and sometimes He just lets me do my own thing without interruption – but He never LEAVES. I always sense Him with me.

So I don’t know that I care whether or not people think I am insane. Because I wouldn’t trade this intimacy and constant communication with God for ANYTHING!

A few weeks ago, Elisabeth suggested that I embrace my craziness like I embrace my tallness. I guess that’s what I’m doing.

Sidenote: In A Million Miles, Donald Miller makes a comment that he thinks people who hear from God are kooks. And then he went on to hear from God. Made me laugh.