My Life's Song

Oscars #2

2011-12-06T15:27:00.002-05:00

The Piano - This one did not win the Academy Aware for Best Picture, but Holly Hunter and Anna Paquin (9 years old) did win best actress and best supporting actress, respectively. When I first started watching, I thought I was going to be bored the entire time because it does start off a little slow, but there was something unspoken that held my attention. And then once Harvey Keitel’s character really emerged, I was hooked. His character is so…dynamic – strong and gentle and brave and timid all at the same time. I want to use the word “erotic” to describe him, but not in a dirty way, if that makes sense. Holly Hunter definitely earned her Oscar – did a phenomenal job. I am officially addicted to actresses who are able to express intense emotion without using words. Wow. That one scene where her husband ……– wow! She was a mute during the entire film, so all she had was facial expressions and such. She nailed it. And she actually played all of the piano scores in the film, so kudos to her. Anna Paquin was at some points genius and other points right down annoying – you wanted to strangle her sometimes, but that was more her character than her I guess. For being so young at the time, she did a great job.

Gone With the Wind - BLEGH BLEGH BLEGH!! I can respect the film for its epic representation of the South amidst the Civil War – the destruction it left in its aftermath and the struggling to survive afterwards. But Scarlett O’Hara….I WANTED TO SLAP HER! “Oh Ashley, Oh Ashley” Shut up already you stupid bore! Ugh. HORRIBLE love story. Absolutely zero chemistry between ANY of the characters. And the child? REALLY? Ugh! Hated this film.

The Sound of Music - I really had no idea what the film was about and even after reading the synopsis, I didn’t think I was going to like it. Plus, all of those annoying songs that I had heard throughout my life that I knew were associated with this film, I really didn’t think I would like it at all. That being said, OMG I LOVED it! I loved everything about it. The singing was awesome (although I still find the songs a bit annoying), the characters were all endearing in one way or another, and I even found myself laughing out loud several times. Maria was sassy and comical and headstrong and adorable. And I don’t think the movie was all that predictable (I mean the love story was, but the overarching political story wasn’t). I walked away really enjoying the unique story it brought to the table.

Citizen Kane - This is another film that did not win the Oscar for Best Picture, but it sits at #1 on AFI’s Best 100 films so I wanted to watch it. I watched it a few weeks back and to tell you the truth, I still don’t know what I think about it. It was good, but not amazing….unique, but not mind-blowing. I don’t know if it is so highly revered because it broke into some new genre at the time? “Rosebud” was kinda intriguing, but I had a feeling halfway through the film that I knew what it referred to (and I was right). So I still don’t know if I like it or not. I am not passionate one way or the other.

Lawrence of Arabis - BORING. Not even going to waste time writing a review. BORING. Nothing exciting or compelling whatsoever. And to add insult to injury, it beat out To Kill A Mockingbird for best picture??? Really????

Oh! Let me add Les Miserables. Not the film. I watched the Broadway production a few weeks ago, and given that it qualifies as performing art too, here are my thoughts. :) ....it was long....and sad....and sometimes difficult to follow. I was somewhat familiar with the story, but found that I still had to read the synopses of each act to kinda know what was going on. The production spans many years in Valjean's life, so it tends to leap across decades without warning. The music was beautiful, but overall it was kinda too somber for me. I think I realized after watching it that I tend to love sad/somber movies, but when it comes to musicals, I prefer to laugh and be entertained.

Oscar Update

2011-11-10T10:31:00.003-05:00

I mentioned in a previous post about how I intended to watch all of the Academy Award Best Picture winning movies. Now that I have marked a few off of the list, I thought I’d offer a few of my thoughts.

I try to average at least one film a week. When I started this project, I had already seen a few of the films, so I won’t comment on those at this point.

But in regards to the recent ones I’ve seen, my favorite thus far is Casablanca. I know, everyone says that – atleast anyone who has actually seen the movie – and I think that is because it really is that good. I can’t believe I had never seen it before. Brilliant acting. Great story. I loved how the characters weren’t so obvious. They didn’t verbally explain every single emotion they were feeling, which ultimately allowed the film to maintain this sort of mystery…but not the same kind of mystery that current films produce with their surprise twists or unexpected endings – this was more a sense of mystery in the motives and thoughts of the characters. It was really beautiful. I am not one to ever want to watch a movie more than once…but this one, yes definitely!

Let me follow that up with my least favorite so far: Hurt Locker. Not really all that impressed. I didn’t think the story was all that unique and none of the characters were all that endearing. What I mean by that is I didn’t care if they lived or died. I understand the film’s pertinence to the world we live in, and how it portrayed the type of warfare our military encounters today, but compared to other great war films, I just didn’t think it measured up.

No Country For Old Men – OMG! Wow! I had only ever seen Javier Bardem as the sweet, adorable Felipe in Eat, Pray, Love (which is weird since he played this role first). But yeah, not so sweet and adorable in this movie! He is CRAZY and I am now officially scared to death of him! Ha! His character actually reminded me of something Stephen King would have written into The Stand. In fact, if they ever redo The Stand as a movie, he should definitely play Randall Flagg. Brilliant portrayal of a madman. The other thing I liked about this film was that I sorta felt like I knew where the plot was going, but then it didn’t go there AT ALL (from what I hear, that is typical of the Coen brothers). But loved this one. Dark and violent and disturbing, but great film.

Kramer vs Kramer – Not too bad. Since this is a late 70’s film, I assume the whole divorce/child custody thing was a new issue to address in film. But what most impressed me about this film though, was not the story, but the acting. It reminded me of how much I love Meryl Streep. I first noticed her amazing acting skill in Sophie’s Choice and have since been amazed by her ability to communicate emotion without saying a word. Especially in roles where she experiences some sort of gut-wrenching heartache – you can see that pain etched on her face….it’s even in her eyes…it’s amazing….but she doesn’t come off as fake and trying too hard – she is just THAT good at acting. She and Kate Winslet are similar in that regard I think. I respect them both.

King’s Speech – I think given the material of the film, it was very well done. Most of the time, I have to be in the mood for period films or I don’t enjoy them…and this one was no different. So I kinda felt uninvested while watching it, but I was still able to appreciate it. Wasn’t the worst or the best. Just kinda in the middle. It has its merits.

Driving Miss Daisy. I liked this one. A lot. It kinda flowed like a stage play, and the acting was very similar to something you would expect from a play. It kinda reminded my of Steel Magnolias for some reason – not sure why since the storylines are absolutely nothing alike. But anyway, I enjoyed the evolution of the characters. Hoke was so endearing and charming and Miss Daisy, although stubborn and set in her ways, still had such a tender heart. It was a beautiful picture of how love, respect and friendship can bridge both racial and economic barriers. The final scene was so endearing – not overdone and cheesy. And Tommy always does a great Hoke impression when I ask him to do something around the house: “Yes’m, Miss Daisy. Hoke’ll get right on dat.” :)

The English Patient – This movie was way longer than I thought it was going to be. I had the opposite reaction with this one as I did with Javier in NCFOM because I have always associated Ralph Fiennes with madman characters. The first movie I remember seeing him in was Red Dragon and he was so creepy, that it kinda stuck. I couldn’t see him as anything else. Of course, that is why he made the perfect Voldemort, but I could never see him in a romantic role. Like that chickflik he played in with Jennifer Lopez a few years ago where she was the maid and he was the rich dude – I couldn’t relate because in my mind he was too creepy to be romantic. But this was the first film where I kinda saw him as sexy. I didn’t overall think the film or the acting was that phenomenal though. I have discovered recently that I get tired of films that glamorize infidelity. But I was able to see Ralph Fiennes in a new light, so I guess that accomplished something.

That's all for now. Next up in the queue is Gone With the Wind, Lawrence of Arabia, and maybe some of the musicals: Sound of Music, My Fair Lady, West Side Story....we'll see. I like to mix it up.

my mantra

2011-11-08T13:36:00.001-05:00

Every morning when I begin my day, I repeat this mantra to myself: “I am a writer. I am good at this.” Over and over again.

Don’t laugh.

Being a writer is a lonely career and you rarely, if ever, have much encouragement. So I find any way I can to fight off the disheartening moments…and the seasons of just being bored to death with hearing my own voice (Yes, it happens.)

It is mentally exhausting to wrestle with words and ideas…and try to force them to line up in an orderly fashion on paper. They rebel more often than not.

And I often wonder if anyone will give a shit about anything I have to say anyway.

So yes, I have to remind myself every morning that I am good at this….that it is worth all of the headache and heartache….and that I wouldn’t be happy doing anything else….

But it’s a difficult job. It really, really is. And sometimes the only motivation I find is telling myself, “Suck it up. You can do this.”

So that’s what I do :)

Seriously?

2011-10-17T11:04:00.000-04:00

Yesterday I spent four hours in the ER. Ugh.

While at work on Saturday night, I started to have chest pains – which isn’t in and of itself anything new as I experience them periodically. But they typically pop up and disappear within a few minutes and I don’t give it much thought. But Saturday night, they were not going away….and they were soon accompanied by shortness of breath, pressure in my chest, and fatigue….it kinda freaked me out. And living with a heart condition already, I try not to mess around with such things.

So my managers were kind enough to let me go home early. I debated going straight to the ER at that point, but didn’t want to freak Tom out more than he already was. So I assured him I would be fine and decided to sleep it off. When I woke up Sunday morning, the stabbing pains were mostly gone, but the pressure and shortness of breath were still aggravating me, although granted to a lesser degree.

Since this sort of pain has never lasted 12 hours before, it was still enough to worry me (and Tom) so we went to the ER…which kinda made me feel stupid because by the time we got down there, the pain had subsided even more and I was just really, really tired. But they did a few tests and everything came back normal. As to what caused this episode, who knows. Stress? Overexertion? Anxiety? The tests ruled out the major stuff like heart attack and aortic dissection, so that’s good.

Today I still feel a little residual pressure in my chest…..but I’m guessing that is more from the stress and anxiety in the aftermath - of thinking I might need to change something in this chaos I call my life in order to protect my health…..i.e., I work two jobs because we need the money. But the two jobs tend to wear me out physically…and mentally….but I can’t quit my second job because we need the money….and I already feel like I am not contributing enough. And I don’t want to burden Tom with that kind of stress……

The unanswerable question: is all of this work-work-work and go-go-go causing permanent damage to my heart?

Argh.

In other news, being married ushers in an entirely new dynamic to how I make life decisions. Nothing is just about me anymore. It’s kinda weird to navigate through and embrace that.

My Favorite Things

2011-10-11T12:11:00.003-04:00

During the wedding planning process, Tom and I threw around the idea of sharing a few of our favorite things about one another during the ceremony.

Wait...OK....the truth is I threw around the idea and he said "Hell No." So we compromised and didn't do it at all :)

But I still jotted down a few of mine...and since this is MY blog...and MY rules....

Here they are!

A Few of My Favorite Things About Tom

*How he looks at me

*He talks A LOT!

*He shares my odd and nerdy love for the ancient world

*When we hug, his hands automatically migrate to my ass

*That I am learning to be a little bit less selfish by being around him (something my mother enthusiastically applauds)

*He allows me to be the strong-willed woman that I am, and can still tell me “No”

*He is actually smarter than me

*How polite and thoughtful he is

*His shoulders and that bald head!

*He is never ashamed of who he is or what he loves

*He “gets” me

And The Winner Is...

2011-09-29T10:12:00.005-04:00

We recently returned from a week in LA. While I was there, I decided that I wanted to watch all of the Academy Award Best Picture films.....from the very beginning....eighty-three years worth.

It will make me more well-rounded, yes?

Or maybe it will just be a HUGE waste of time.

But I'm gonna attempt it nonetheless because once I realized that I had only seen a small percentage of these critically acclaimed films...and I do typically enjoy critically-acclaimed films...I figured what the hell.

Glancing over the list of winners, there are quite a few movies I've never even heard of.....and a lot of musicals???? Oh well, I'm game.

Ohhh, but I have seen quite a few of the films that won Best Actor or Actress...and quite a few films that were nominated for different awards, so that makes me feel better. :) But still, now I have a never-ending list of movie options!

Anyone want to join me? We can make it a standard Sunday afternoon thing.

The Aftermath

2011-09-28T14:46:00.003-04:00

In the months leading up to our wedding day, several different people told me that I would wake up the morning after my wedding and think, “We should’ve just eloped.” That when all was said and done, all of the planning and expenses and stress would seem not worth the trouble.

And I grant you, there were times during the planning process that I thought they might be right. At several points along the way, eloping seemed to be an easy escape from the madness. After all, 18 months is a LOOONNNGGGG time to spend planning a wedding. I wouldn’t advise it for anyone…especially anyone who is less neurotic than yours truly. ;)

But the morning after, I had the opposite reaction. I felt blessed beyond measure and thought that our day was worth every single penny and every single stressed-out moment of GETTING TO our big day.

Because our day was absolutely perfect.

Every. Single. Moment.

It was everything I hoped it would be.

Everything went according to plan. The venue was gorgeous. I had butterflies a few times during the day…and a handful of tearful moments….but not an ounce of stress. Thank God!

I didn’t even get tired of smiling. And from what I hear, I was smiling a lot!

And have you seen the pictures!??? Wowza!

But I do have one regret….

With all of the running around after the ceremony and trying to make sure I said hello to everyone…I failed to get photos WITH anyone. My college friends…my Jack….people I love dearly who I haven’t seen in years…..my family….even my close friends here in the city – I didn’t get photos with anyone. And that makes me sad because seeing all of you was my favorite part of the day.

So to all of you – I am SO glad you were there to celebrate with us. Thank you for coming from near and far to help make our day one of the most beautiful moments of our lives. I love you!

Lucifer

2011-05-12T09:11:00.000-04:00

Trisha (my bootcamp instructor) is the devil!!

I think our workout circuit last night speaks for itself:

Here’s the rundown – with each exercise “super set”, we started off doing 6 reps of each exercise. So for example, in super set #1, we did 6 squats, then 6 bicep curls, then we got to choose one of the cardio options and had to do that for 20 count. Then we go back and do 8 squats, then 8 bicep curls, and then another cardio 20 count. Then we do 10 reps + cardio, then 12 reps + cardio, then 14 reps + cardio.

Then and only then did we move onto the next super set, where we did the same sequence all over again with those exercises.

Cardio Options

Jumping Jacks 20

Running High Steps 20

Mountain Climbers 20

Jump Squats 20

Super Set #1 - Free Weights

Squats

Bicep Curls

(Add cardio)

Super Set #2 - Free Weights

Bent Over Butterfly

Drop Lunges

(Add cardio)

Super Set #3 - Resistance Bands

Standing Rows

Chest Press

(Add cardio)

Super Set #4 - Medicine Ball

Tricep Curls

Ab Twist Crunches

(Add cardio)

Super Set #5 – Free Weights

Drop…“I have no idea what they are called!” – you stand on one leg with free weights and bend over forward pulling the other leg back into air, then repeat…and yes, it is as funky and as difficult as it sounds!

Lateral Raises

(Add cardio)

And to top it all off, she TIMED us! So we were racing to see who could finish with the best time!

See! Satan!

Needless to say, I cannot move a single muscle today….

(and I love her for it)

I Will Beat You Into Submission Dangit!

2011-05-09T11:07:00.005-04:00

I started bootcamp last week. I was getting VERY frustrated over this stubborn 25 pounds that have been hanging around for way too long. And jogging didn't seem to cut it anymore…. I feel like after I hit age 30, my body stopped responding to that.

So last week I just decided to be more stubborn than my body ;)

So I mixed things up a bit and tried out a bootcamp class at a gym. I have always been cautious about personal trainers and gyms because I've never found any who understand Marfan and sometimes they just look at me like I am lazy if I don't push myself. But Cheryl tried the place out first and talked to the lady about my Marfan. Not only had she actually heard of it before, but her mother-in-law had it so she was quite familiar with it. When I went in to meet her, she even asked what size my aorta was! (No one knows to ask that!! LOL) So we talked about my limitations and how I can do aerobic stuff, but not strength training and she was willing to make adjustments that suit my needs.

I've been five times so far and I really like it!! It's basically 45 minutes of crazy, random interval training! The gym is just a little storefront so the classes are small. But even with 6-15 people in each class, she does a great job managing their individual needs and strengths. Every class is something new and different. We've used those big balance balls, medicine balls, free weights, jumping jacks, push ups, lunges, squats, jump rope, anything you can think of, plus stuff we all just laugh at because we have NO idea how she came up with it! I do make sure to never use weights over 2 lbs and sometimes I just drop those and use nothing if it becomes too difficult for me. LOL there are several times during the class where she will point me out and say “Carol, if you get too tired or this is too difficult just stop and rest” or she will give me an alternative exercise while everyone else is doing something more difficult. They are already calling me the teachers pet! hehe

The class itself is very different from what I've ever done before. So I think that's why I like it so much. Because with a normal gym, I got bored so easily and that didn't help me stay motivated, but here, I WANT to go because I have NO idea what the hell we will be doing - and it's exciting!

So I do really like it and I definitely feel like I've worked out by the end of 45 minutes! (And I have the sore muscles to prove it!) Also, my energy level has remained solid which surprised me. And I have been sleeping very well. So I have been trying to listen to my body as I go and still be very careful and not push myself too much.

If anyone wants to try it out with me, let me know. I have a hookup for a great one month discount ;) It's in Blue Ash.

Five Years

2011-05-03T09:47:00.001-04:00

My thoughts today...

The word that continues to rumble through my mind today is “legacy.” It is one of the words I most often associate with my father. Perhaps because it was such a huge theme in the words people spoke at his funeral. Or perhaps it’s because I am amazed that he was able to leave such a mark on every person he met, seemingly without even trying. It makes me wonder what kind of legacy I leave with the people who know me.

I‘ve always thought that being a parent has to be the most difficult and most rewarding job on this planet….because you get to invest your entire self into another person and truly shape who they become. It’s a bond like no other. Scary, but an honor. I don’t think anything can duplicate it.

Having worked with youth groups for much of my life, I’ve always been aware of how my words, attitudes, and actions can so easily influence those around me. But now that I am out of that realm…and knowing that I will never have children of my own…I often wonder what my legacy will be. Will my life impact those around me? Does my life make a difference?

My father’s did. More than he will ever know. So I look at his example and I have to believe that maybe that is how it works. We don’t have to put this huge burden on ourselves to be perfect. It’s simpler than that. We just have to be ourselves. God created us to be exactly who we are. We live and breathe and touch. And everyday we are changed and we change others.

Thanks Dad.

For simply being who you were.

And for still teaching me about the important things in this life.

33 Things

2011-05-03T08:42:00.003-04:00

It's been awhile since I've blogged. Believe it or not, this entry has been ready to go for a couple of weeks now (as I always post this list around my birthday), but I wasn't allowed to post it until today.

Enjoy!

33 Things in My 33rd Year

1. Tried sushi

2. Got engaged

3. Visited an authentic ghost town

4. Grand Canyon

5. Sedona

6. Learned how to play craps and loved it!

7. KISS concert

8. Aerosmith concert

9. Cincinnati Roller Derby

10. Biltmore Estate, Asheville NC

11. Dissolved GIOTGU

12. Reworked book…again

13. Brainstormed plotline for fiction book

14. Had ganglion cyst removed

15. Watched Ben Hur

16. Totalled my car

17. Had my first (and hopefully last) ride in the back of a squad car

18. Helped save Blue Like Jazz: The Movie by becoming an associate producer of the film.

19. Participated in NaNo (writing a 50,000 word novel in the month of November)…only made it to 13,000 words….but I gave it a shot. Maybe next year!

20. My most favoritest cardiologist retired. I cannot even begin to tell you how sad that makes me.

21. Took Judah through some dog training….finally

22. Went to my first Ash Wednesday service and completed my “Catholic for a Day” experiment!

23. Visited a snowy Yosemite National Park

24. Left my 33 year long roommate and moved in with the boy! …my mother still gives me grief about it….

25. Land of Illusion Haunted Trail

26. San Francisco

27. Rode a cable car

28. Toured Alcatraz

29. Blogged less than I have in 5 years

30. Completed Premarital Counseling (and actually enjoyed it!)

31. Took some gorgeous engagement photos

32. Had my make-up done by a professional make-up artist. FUN experience!

33. Found out I am gonna be an aunt!

I typically create a similar list for next year as well - things that I look forward to doing or new adventures I want to attempt. But this year I think I am just going to take a note from Tom's handbook and NOT make a list, NOT plan, and just see what the year brings! (Besides, it's REALLY difficult to come up with 34 things!!! I got stuck at #14. LOL The older I get, the harder this little tradition becomes!)

Keep on Keeping on...

2010-12-01T13:17:00.003-05:00

So NaNo is over. The quest for 50,000 words in 30 days ended yesterday. I made it to 18,099. Not exactly what I was aiming for, but I also knew going into it that November was going to be a busy month...and I got distracted by a number of wedding things. BUT, I am not shucking it off as a lost cause. Although the official drive is over, I am determined to keep going until I reach the 50,000 word mark.

Even if that takes me until February!

Halloween 2010

2010-11-01T11:00:00.011-04:00

I am starting to really, really enjoy Halloween! I had never put much thought or energy into it before I met Tom, but since it is his favorite holiday, I have learned that weeks and weeks of planning must go into this event. And since we all know how much I LOVE to plan.... :)

The costume hunt this year was a bit rough though. The original Star Wars idea worked great for Tom....but not so much for me. So I tried Ghostbusters. Then I tried True Blood. Then I found the perfect costume!!

Hit Girl! (for those Kick-Ass illiterate peeps)

But before all of the Halloween party madness ensued, Cheryl, Tom, and I went to Land of Illusion Friday night.

Now I am not one who likes scary movies - they give me nightmares. BUT when it comes to being scared in person - as long as I am not by myself....or first in line...or last in line....and I have someone to cling to...and the chainsaw guys don't get me....then I am ok and actually enjoy the thrill of getting scared.

So we go to Land of Illusion Friday night and it rocked. Five haunted houses PLUS a haunted trail. Like I said, I am ok as long as I am not first in line, I have someone to cling to, and someone is in line behind me making sure no one sneaks up to get me! So I had latched myself onto Cheryl's hoodie, made sure Tom was close behind, and off we went! But Freaking Tom! He spent the entire time STROLLING through the trail admiring all of the decor and effects ...with monsters all the while lurking in shadows ready to pounce! Feeling him lagging behind, I was like, "Honey, hurry up! They're gonna get us!" But everytime I looked back, Tom was walking along WITH the scary dudes, so I quit looking back and just encouraged Cheryl to go faster! Dang boy!

There was one point in the fourth haunted house where it was pitch black and I called over my shoulder, "Tommy are you still back there?" and this deep scary voice was right behind me and whispered in my ear "Nooooo. Tommy's gone." And then there were finger nails scraping down the wall. I was like, "Cheryl, I don't think that was Tommy, but I am not turning around to look. GO FASTER!"

That house was awesome though because you really couldn't tell who was a fake monster and who was going to come out and get you. So as we walked through, we kept looking around and getting surprised but what moved and what didn't. After about 10 times of being surprised, we turn this corner and this one thing is super tall - like on stilts and I think there is no way THAT one is real so, "Whew, no monsters here." And then sure enough, it starts walking towards us!! I scream. Loud. And say, "Would you PLEASE stop doing that!" This makes Cheryl buckle over into laughter and I am still trying to push her to go so we can get away from this giant stilt walker. And Tommy is still nowhere to be found. So then I trip over a step and hit my shin hard (yes, just like in the movies when you trip in the woods while trying to escape the killer) and Cheryl is wheezing she is laughing so hard. So then I just sit down and laugh. And we seriously sat there for a few minutes and cried because we were laughing so hard. It was great! And then the scary stilt-walker dude went off to scare someone else and we continued on.

And there were a ton of chainsaw dudes! I HATE the chainsaw dudes! Probably because they always come after ME. So we're coming up on like the 25th chainsaw dude and he's heading for me so I grab Cheryl's hoodie and pull her over like a ragdoll in front of me so he gets her instead. Then ANOTHER comes out of a corner on the other side!! Jerks.

Oh! But the best part! So we've been through most of the houses and we stop to grab something to eat and warm up by the fire (and let my poor heart resume a normal beating pattern). We're sitting on a picnic bench and I am engrossed on my phone texting Candi and I don't even notice this scary chick lurking over my shoulder. At least I think it was a chick....she was standing there for like a minute before i noticed her. Made me jump. So we took our picture with "it"

THEN a few minutes later - they had this barn dance club thing and they played Cotton Eyed Joe! So i was bopping around to that and started talking wedding stuff. Engrossed in conversation again, I notice as I am talking to Tom, he keeps looking past me (which is not normal). I stop talking and think in my head - I bet there is someone next to me...so I look over and sure enough a freaking clown! Sat down right next to me and I didn't even notice. NOR did Tom or Cheryl warn me. Jerks. That one make me laugh though. He was a nice clown. Asked how i was doing and all.

A fun, fun, FUN night!

Oh yeah! I already have a great idea for our costumes next year!!!

Sweaty Palms

2010-10-28T13:41:00.002-04:00

So there's this thing - it's called NaNo - it's a project for fiction writers. Basically writers take the entire month of November to write a 50,000 word novel (approx 175 pages). It is a very daunting task. I heard about it last year when Dave was doing it. It's not about quality or editing, but just about getting shit on paper, knowing that most of what you put on paper WILL be shit.

I think I am gonna do it this year. I need something to get my ass in gear.

50,000 words in one month!!! That is pure madness! I havent even produced that much in 2 years! Professional authors don't even write that much!! Argh! I am getting nervous just thinking of it!!

So much to do already???

2010-10-28T11:50:00.003-04:00

Been knocking out a lot of wedding stuff recently. The reason I chose to set my wedding date 18 months from when I got engaged was so I would have plenty of time to plan this grand event (and enjoy the freedom to procrastinate if I wanted to). And I have gotten a LOT of stuff done early, but now that the wedding is less than a year away, I feel like there is no slowing down now! ...poor Tom... :)

This past weekend, Tom and I just finished up our Premarital Counseling at VCC. I think we both found it more enjoyable than we had expected. Our compatability test reiterated some things that we already knew (i.e., that we are awesome together!), but it also gave us a chance to really sit down and discuss some important issues in depth. I don't know about Tom, but I definitely walked away more in love with my future husband and grateful for who he is and how he loves me!

We also have our engagement photos coming up November 10. And I have found the invitations I want so I have begun talks and negotiations in that regard. My mom found her outfit already - on our first try! She looks beautiful in it, but more importantly, she FEELS beautiful in it, which is what I was hoping for. I've also begun work on our wedding website and have been scouting prices on airfare for our honeymoon. We've also made some headway on what we might want for centerpieces.

Lots and lots of stuff going on! Whew!

No Blood Is Good

2010-10-26T08:04:00.004-04:00

Tom and I finally introduced the kiddos last night. We had both been a bit apprehensive since Judah tends to be a little high-strung...and Ember likes to kill other dogs. So we didn't foresee this being a good match up, but things went better than expected. We didn't let them get close enough to sniff each other, but they were in VERY close proximity to each other. And Ember only lunged once or twice, but no growling or raised fur or snarling teeth, so that is good. Baby steps. Our trainer says, "In order to progress quickly, we must proceed slowly." So that's what we are doing. Gonna try another Meet & Greet later this week in another neutral location and then maybe try a long walk together on Sunday. Keep your fingers crossed! I really don't want my dog to become a bloody carcass....

cute

2010-10-25T09:58:00.004-04:00

So Tom and I were in Premarital Counseling this past Saturday at VCC. At the beginning of class, they had a few bible verses scrolling through on the big screen. One read:

"I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength.

-Phil 4:12-13"

Tom turns to me and whispers, "I didn't know Phil wrote a book in the Bible?"

I was confused by the question. My mind instantly thought of Dr. Phil...huh? (It was early in the morning).

He rephrases his question, sincerely. "The book of Phil - I've never heard of that book before."

I smiled, completely amused - not by his question, but by how much churches take for granted when communicating to people. His disconnect was valid.

"Philippians. The book of Philippians."

First Wedding NIghtmare

2010-10-19T08:29:00.003-04:00

I had always heard that it would happen, but it hadn't graced my sleep until last night . . . my first wedding nightmare.

This is what I can remember:

We were at a completely different venue than the Bell Centre - like an old country church. I was all dressed up in my gown (which looked NOTHING like my real gown) and I was sitting n the back row watching everything happen. The groomsmen come out and their faces are painted white like KISS, but Tom is nowhere to be found. Then I turn and he is standing in the back foyer with me and we realize that OMG this is happening right now! But we aren't ready and everyone is waiting on us. I have my dress on, but my hair and makeup arent fixed and my bridesmaids are nowhere to be found.

As I am panicking I am still watching the ceremony go on without us (like a church service) and my mom had gone behind my back and asked my ex-pastor (whom I would never even invite to our wedding) - he was up front playing the piano and leading worship. which infuriated me.

Then the photogs kept bossing me around and making me feel like the worst unprepared bride ever! And then when my bridesmaids finally showed up (they had all been hanging out together without me), they helped me quickly put my hair up and then Tom and I were kissing at the altar - Mr. and Mrs. and it was over.

The twisted thing is that I knew I was dreaming the entire time and I kept waking up during the dream. But I kept making myself go back to sleep and tried to finish the dream because I wanted to make sure I fixed all the stuff that was going wrong! Because it was nothing like how we had planned it! How's that for sadistic!!

Let's just try to keep these little dreams few and far between please.

it's in the stars

2010-10-01T11:52:00.005-04:00

so although i put no stock in astrology whatsoever, it can sometimes be fun and i thought this was entertaining.

i took one of those silly quizzes last night on facebook - about who my perfect zodiac match was. my result was a leo (which Tom is - whew!)

but it also mentioned that my "astrological hell" was a libra.... "A Libra's inability to make a decision will drive an Aries crazy."

come on now, i don't care who you are, if you can connect the dots with me, that's funny! hindsight is comical.

oh well. this is what it said about the perfect compatibilty of a leo and aries.

If you can get past the battle over who has the biggest ego, this can be a real winner for both.

For Aries: This is a most exhilarating combination. You both share the same likes and dislikes. You are both always on the go, craving excitement, love and fun. This is truly a link made in heaven.

For Leo: This is a capricious match. Your common interests and lusty passionate nature bring about outrageous social and sexual encounters.

Both are egotistical and need attention so this would be a fight for who gets the most. If neither takes the other seriously this could work out for both are dynamic energetic creatures. Leo is generous and good hearted. Aries is open to life. If they can compromise this could be a good union. Both are very romantic. It can be a good mating but needs work and compromise.

Aries Woman & Leo Man

Leo can truly be your soulmate. You are both confident, outgoing and love to charge ahead into the unknown. You will have an incredible time charging there together! The romantic chemistry between you two is fiery and can be long-lasting. Leo can really sweep an Aries off her feet. You will love his very romantic and generous nature, and he will love your sense of adventure and your intelligent mind. What will really seal the bond between you is his hidden vulnerability, which will bring out your cuddly and caring side. A soulmate match!

Between the two of you, there's enough energy to light up the stage at a Kid Rock concert. Mr. Leo wants adventure, drama, and excitement and a girlfriend who knows what she wants. He's found it with you, Aries. Leo will ask for loyalty and massive displays of love, but the good news is, he won't ask for anything he isn't willing to give back to you in spades.

Life's Unexpected

2010-09-24T12:00:00.006-04:00

Wednesday night, I was driving home after work in a rainy rush hour. Typical boring rush hour. We were only going 20-25 mph, but a guy four cars ahead of me braked fast, the guy behind him managed to brake without hitting him, but the girl in the 3rd car braked hard and slid into car#2, and then I was car #4 and I crashed into her rear end. They all walked away with minor damage and a few scratches on their bumpers...but my poor car looked like this :(

She was undriveable and had to be towed. I got to ride in the back of the squad car (not comfortable at all. I had actually been telling Tom recently how fun I thought it would be to ride around in a squad car....but this is not exactly what I had in mind).

Luckily enough, no one was hurt. I did have Tom take me to the ER afterwards though - just to get my heart checked out because my seatbelt gave me quite a beating. And that chest trauma stuff freaks me out...(and hurts like hell! But come to find out, you can get into the ER very quickly when you say, "I was in a car accident and I have a pre-existing heart condition").

I am still very. very sore and am not supposed to lift over 5 pounds. I am supposed to take it easy for a few days - which means I came into work today at my day job to see how my pain holds up when I actually have to remain conscious....and to see if I will even remotely be able to manage two bartending shifts this weekend....uhm...I might need some stronger drugs!

So anyway, now all of the repair/replace car fun ensues.

Bummer: On top of all of that, our engagement pictures were supposed to be taken on Thursday (which I was vey excited about), but instead I stayed in bed knocked out on pain killers. :(

Blessing: Evidently, I have kick-ass car insurance :)

ugh

2010-08-10T11:30:00.002-04:00

How do you start over and not feel like the past 7 years were a waste?

Sigh...

All I see ahead of me is a giant mountain to climb...and it's so overwhelming, I just want to hide away...

...

ok, done pouting. now back to writing!

KISS: Introduction 101

2010-08-02T11:08:00.015-04:00

This past Friday, I took Tommy to the KISS concert for his birthday. *Don't groan and roll your eyes!* That's what I did too...before he educated me on why they are so awesome. So I figured I would share with you my newfound knowledge (and resulting affinity for) KISS.

First of all, did you know that Gene Simmons is NOT the lead singer????? I always thought he was, but nope, it's a dude named Paul Stanley. Gene does sing lead on quite a few songs, but Paul is the official frontman.

Also, before I met Tom and gave any notice to KISS, I always just assumed they were a heavy metal, piercing noise kinda band (like Megadeth or Iron Maiden). But nope, I was wrong again. They are much more like Poison or Def Leppard or Bon Jovi - the feel good rock-n-roll bands I grew up with in the 80's. And now that I know what they sound like, I notice how much their music is played in commercials and on the radio. They are everywhere!!

OK - Here are the guys:

Paul. AKA StarChild - guitar, vocals

Eric. AKA Catman - drums

Tommy. AKA SpaceAce - guitar

Gene. AKA The Demon - guitar, vocals

Interesting fact: they are not just freaks who wear makeup for the hell of it. Long before most of us were born (1972), the guys developed comicbook-style personas for themselves (with full makeup and costumes) to go along with their crazy stage antics and pyrotechnics. I thought that was sorta cool. Plus, Tom says that until the early 80's, no one knew what they really looked like off stage. They even conspired with the paparazzi to help keep this a mystery. For instance, if Gene Simmons was out to dinner in plain clothes, the paparazzi would shoot a pic of him holding an open menu over his face or something. Always hidden. Always a mystery. Not because they were awkwardly shy or anti-fame, but because it helped build the mystery around their band. Quite genius I think. In the 80's they actually shed the personas and did a few albums without all the hype, but the fans are the ones who preferred the facepaint and costumes, so they brought it back during the reunion tour in 1990's.

And come on, who DOESN'T want a pair of those platform boots!!!!

Not to mention the non-stop show of pyrotechnics...

...and lasers...and smoke...

...blasting confetti...

and of course, some very loud rock and roll music!

So yeah, I must admit, I have officially been converted. It was a fun, fun, fun show! I even got a t-shirt! I might even let Tom adorn our house with a little bit of KISS memorabilia...as long as it doesn't overpower my U2 stuff of course :)

Happy Birthday Baby!

playing catch up - JULY

2010-07-27T11:57:00.015-04:00

Whew! We're getting there!

OK, so July has been interesting. It has been packed full of overtime shifts for both Tom and I, but we have managed to throw a little fun into the mix. For one, the little sis came to visit for a few weeks from Australia. She was here for 3 weeks - which I think was just enough time for her to see every person she knows on the planet :)

For the July 4th weekend, we went to Kentucky to surprise Mom. THAT was super entertaining. Chrissi posted the video here http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=440666496210&ref=mf

Mom has this thing about every time us three girls are together, she wants a picture. So we took Tom on a tour of scenes from our childhood and introduced him to Dad :)

The July 4th weekend also offered some fun entertainment...at the expense of Tom. hehe. You see, my mom's side of the family are pranksters. They always have been. They love a good laugh, but I honestly have not seen them go all out on a newbie in YEARS!!! But Tom is a lucky fellow you see. They pulled out their best for him. And of course, I got photos! But Tom made me swear not to post them :( Fuddy-dud!

Let's just say he ended up with a wet ass. :)

A few months ago, Tom had mentioned to me that he had never been inside a cave, which was weird to me as I grew up so close to some. So while we were in Morehead, we spent a day at Carter Caves. Some of the photos aren't very good since they are taken INSIDE a cave, but you get the idea.

And then we took a short hike through the state park.

Tom acquired a nice walking stick for himself :0

I'm going to grow old with this man :)

playing catch up - JUNE

2010-07-27T11:33:00.007-04:00

Two words: Roller Derby!!!

After watching WHIP IT a few months back, Cheryl, Candi, and I decided we wanted to go see a match in person. Once we discovered Cincinnati has its own team, we conned a few naive friends into going with us :)

Those girls are brutal, but it was a blast to watch! We watched both the "JV" and the "Varsity" games. This one chic...Lethal something or another....was super fast on skates - no one could catch her.

I wish they would have included some of the rules in the program though as all of the whistle blows were hard to follow. We had some dudes sitting in front of us who explained some of the rules and points to us so we could at least follow along well enough to know when to cheer!

After two hours I must admit I wanted to pull out my old roller blades and join the fun! Overall, good fun for $20.

playing catch up - MAY

2010-07-27T11:06:00.009-04:00

The month of May was a big month of wedding excitement. I found my wedding dress. Sorry, I am not gonna post pics though - you will just have to wait. Just rest assured that I look smoking hot in it (of course!). But here are some pics from Chaddy & E's wedding. YAY!

Oh! And I got my ganglion cyst removed in May as well - as you can see from the cast on my arm. As an explanation for what is going on in this picture - Tom has this new thing where he likes to remind me he can tell me NO as often as he likes. As all of you well know, I am not all that big a fan of such things :)

playing catch up - APRIL

2010-07-27T09:14:00.030-04:00

So I realize that I have a lot of blog catch up to do...so I figured I would just go month by month and hit the highlights.

So here is APRIL!

As many of you already know, April was a big month for me. Not only did I get to go to Vegas & Grand Canyon for my birthday, but Tom also asked me to be his wife! Here are some pictures to recap the fun.

On Day 1 - notice what the boys are having for BREAKFAST. They continued to supplement their diets with Long Islands as the week wore on :)

The few times that we did gamble, we mostly hung out at the craps tables, but here is a stolen shot of the boys playing Blackjack at O'Sheas.

View of The Strip at night from near our hotel

My Fave Casino - because you could feel the history there :) (It's the Golden Nugget in case you can't tell that in the photo)

Even if you don't go to Vegas to gamble - it is worth the trip just to check out all of the hotels and their unique (i.e., extravagant) themes.

An example. The Venetian. This is INSIDE the hotel.

The reason we were in Vegas was for Dave & Tracy's wedding. They got married in a garden at Caesar's Palace. It was gorgeous!

Tom was the best man. Isn't he a hottie!

A few of Tom's high school buddies. All of these crazy fools will be in our wedding :) I adore them! PS - I like the fact that Tom is still friends with his high school buds - says a lot about a person who can keep friends that long :)

Did I mention my man is a hottie? I love, love, love this photo.

After Vegas, a few of us trekked in Arizona to visit the Grand Canyon

This is the moment Tom asked me to be his wife...

...and his gloat when I said "Of course"

Then Tom, Kelly, and I went further into Sedona

and visited a Dude Ranch where we rode horses across the Arizona countryside

We stayed for a hearty dinner with the cowboys and watched the sunset

A great, great, great vacation!

detour #572

2010-06-15T09:13:00.002-04:00

so i made a decision yesterday. about my book. ever since i started rewriting it, i've felt this underlying tension that i couldn't put my finger on....something just felt "off" about what i was trying to do - to mix the narrative and the teaching - it felt forced.

so yesterday i was trying to write on sodom and gomorrah and i just kept thinking, there is no way to make this story NICE. because everything in it is blatantly appalling. for example, i can't write a scene with one of the greatest examples of base humanity and NOT make them speak like a great example of base humanity. their language, their actions, their demeanors and intentions - they are all grossly inappropriate.

but its difficult to write that for a "christian" audience because they are so...easily offended. i love them, but its true. they try to live in a bubble and water things down so its easier to stomach.

but it's not healthy to live that way....because it isnt REAL. honestly, what is the point of god's love if he doesn't reach us in our ugliest depths of depravity? at least that is what is true in my own life and what drives my passion

because i KNOW its ok to be ugly. and ok to talk about it. its ok to not be perfect. and to admit that.

so i am starting over. well. sorta. i have a good start on what i want. i just need to go back through and make it more narrative then straight-laced. i need to add more grout and grime and base humanity.

to sum it up, i am aiming more for john steinbeckish or steven pressfield. steinbeck is a master of creating characters who don't apologize for their faults. he doesnt make them balanced in other words. they are messed up and that's that. and pressfield does what i do - starts with the history and weaves art into it.

i have the historical background to write the culture into the story. and i am learning slowly but surely how to develop the characters - and that is what i find most fun anyway - trying to create scenes that draw out the personalities of the characters. they tend to surprise me more often than not as they reveal aspects of their personalities i hadn't noticed before.

its fun!

....except that this book is going to take me an entire lifetime to finish!!!

My Wedding Plan

2010-04-19T16:05:00.000-04:00

Most of you already know this, but for those who don’t, I have a confession. Six weeks before I even got engaged, I started planning my wedding. One week before I got engaged, I had all of my vendors selected and the initial deposits paid.

Don’t look at me like I’m a crazy person! Lol. I am just very Type-A, so when Tom brought up the whole wedding discussion back in early February, I asked him point-blank, “When do you want to get married? Because I need at least 18 months to plan this wedding thing ☺ so if we wait 6 months to get engaged, then our wedding won’t be until 2012.”

We agreed we wanted to be married before then. So we set the date in September of 2011 and I threw myself full force ahead into wedding planning while he snuck around behind my back and ring shopped. (Actually, come to find out, he was already in the midst of ring shopping when he first brought up the whole wedding topic, but I did not know this. Shows how perceptive I am!)

So here are our vendors if you want to check them out.
Location: Bell Event Centre
www.belleventcentre.com/asp/index.asp

Photographer: Mark Garber Photography
www.markgarber.com

DJ: Party Pleasers DJ
www.partypleasersdj.com

Florist: HJ Benken

Wedding Planner: Tres Chic Event Planning
www.treschiceventplanning.com

Uhm wow!

2010-04-16T15:51:00.004-04:00

Whew! Where to start! Well, I am back from vacation. Spent a few days in Vegas for a friend’s wedding and then trekked over to the Grand Canyon and Sedona for a few days. It was awesome. Come to find out, I really like craps! It scared the hell out of me the first day when Tom pulled out his wallet….but by the end of the week, he had fixed my “broken brain” (as he liked to call it) and I was placing bets like a pro! And now I understand why people go back to Vegas more than once – there is a TON to see and do there. There is no freaking way you can do it all in one trip…or even ten! So yeah, I have a new favorite city.

And while we were in the GORGEOUS Grand Canyon, Tom asked me to be his wife. He used those words. It was simple and beautiful and sweet. I said, “Of course” (of course!) And then he pulled out this:

My jaw dropped. Now I am in no way a materialistic girl…but I must admit that for as long as I can remember, I have wanted a kick ass engagement ring. Don’t know why, I just have. And wow, did Tom deliver. He went to the jeweler with a design in mind, selected the stone himself, knew all about the 4 C’s, and basically rocked my face off. Am I bragging too much??? ☺

So yeah, I guess that means I am engaged now! The wedding is set for Friday, September 16, 2011. Quite a bit aways, but I will relish in having that much time to plan every freaking detail!

33 things in my 33rd year

2010-04-05T12:07:00.003-04:00

OK, so my list for this year. Let's see if I can manage to mark off more than 11 this year :) (confession: I sorta stacked it in my favor, but we'll have to wait and see!)

1. Grand Canyon

2. Vacation in Arizona

3. San Francisco

4. Plan my wedding

5. Oh yeah, and get engaged at some point too :)

6. Try sushi

7. Go to shooting range and learn how to shoot a gun

8. Watch more old movies – Ben Hur and Casablanca specifically

9. NASA Shuttle launch

10. See performance of Fantasticks

11. Go to Cincy Roller Derby Match

12. Bon Jovi concert

13. See performance of Fiddler on the Roof

14. Finish Abe and Jake sections of GIOTGU book

15. Launch GIOTGU website

16. Get this silly ganglion cyst on my wrist removed

17. Continue work on becoming debt free

18. Stay heart healthy

19. Be present for the big events in the lives of those I love

20. Continue to stretch my writing skill

21. Make a consistent effort to hang out with friends more

22. Try something completely new that I never would have thought to do on my own

23. Get my butt in gear and READ something (I’ve been lazy so far this year)

24. See performance of The Nutcracker

25. Talk to my Mom more

26. Volunteer somewhere

27. Take lots of pictures

28. Do something spontaneous

29. Plant my own tomato plants – the little yellow ones – yummy! :)

30. Cook more – experiment with new dishes

31. Love, Live, Laugh

32. Try a new restaurant

33. Lifehouse concert

32 Things in my 32nd Year: The Results

2010-04-05T08:58:00.004-04:00

In honor of our birthdays, Cindy and I make these yearly lists. We compile a list of things we want to do during a year. Although we never seem to accomplish all of the things each year, it does help to give me a little bit of direction in how i want to spend the next 12 months of my life. Plus, it's way more fun than New Years Resolutions. :)

So here are the results from last year (11 of which I actually PLANNED to do)

1. Successfully stalked Donald Miller & was one of 60 people nationwide who found a hidden manuscript (with a little help from my hero Rocky)

2. Met Donald Miller & Susan Isaacs in person at A Million Miles Book Tour

3. Had coffee with Susan Isaacs (*super cool highlight)

4. U2 360 tour in Chicago

5. Saw Wicked from 3^rd row – orchestra seats

6. Gambled in Vegas

7. Poison/Def Leppard concert

8. Began tweeting…and ‘sorta’ stuck with it

9. Read 24 books in 12 months – a LOT of fiction

10. Continued process of slowly but surely living debt free and making future-oriented financial decisions

11. Began work on GIOTGU website

12. Filmed a GIOTGU video for use on website

13. Made some good new friends

14. Finally saw David Crowder Band in concert

15. Met the man of my dreams and fell in love **super, super best highlight

16. Joined a gym

17. Saw Andrew Osenga perform live

18. Jeff Dunham Identity Crisis Tour

19. Blue Collar Comedy Tour in Columbus

20. Did NOT go into debt in order to finance GIOTGU. Yeah me!

21. NFL Bengals Game + tailgating

22. Taught a Bible Study on Job

23. Visited the Cincinnati Observatory

24. Continued work on my book…and finally accepted the fact that challenging myself and my writing skill makes me a slow, slow writer because I morph and grow as I go…but I am in love with the final product.

25. Kept the size of my aorta stable….not that I have any real control over that, but still

26. Took lots of pictures with family & friends

27. Took Judah to Dog Days

28. Worked 2 jobs

29. Wrote an inmate in prison

30. Bought my very first Halloween costume (and rocked it)

31. Took random road trips to meet up with some of my boys (Rocky & Jack & Robby!)

32. Tried Chicago Pizza – yummy!

Who is this guy anyway?

2010-03-18T14:44:00.005-04:00

A friend texted me a quote the other day that goes something like this: “Someday you will meet 'that' person and you will instantly understand why it never worked out with anyone else.”

It's true.

I know because I have finally met that person.

For years and years and years I have looked back on past relationships and tried to pinpoint the exact reason why they never seemed to work out. I was banking on 20/20 hindsight to help me out...and it did, to an extent. (And you can never underestimate the power of being female – we have skills to rationalize away anything!) But when all was said and done, there was still that nagging “something” underneath it all - a go-to answer that I was seeking to calm the restlessness and insecurity in my soul that happens after any breakup - but I could never really vocalize or nail it down. It remained this sort of ghost that racked its way through my psyche.

But now I have the answer.

It's because we didn't “fit.”

Sounds simple. And it is, on THIS side of the spectrum, but before I could never see it. Because with these other guys, we would have things in common or they would make me laugh or we would be incredibly attracted to each other, but there was always something holding me back. Which is sorta funny because my boyfriends are typically long-term investments. lol. But still, Something kept me unsure. Something that I often succeeded in ignoring, but Something that just deep in my gut I knew didn't “fit.”

And I don't know if before you experience it or even while you are single if you can sit back and arbitrarily define a list of things that will or will not “fit” you – God knows I desperately and repeatedly tried to and failed. Sure, we all have our dreams and even our “deal-breakers” but in regards to that gut certainty, I think perhaps none of us know ourselves as well as we would like.

So we are left searching in the dark, with no clue what we're looking for in the first place.

But when it HAPPENS....when it waltzes into your life and wraps its arms around you...when you finally FEEL what “fitting” feels like.....well then you just KNOW. Without a doubt.

Your souls connect. I can't explain it any other way. You just KNOW it to be true.

And for the first time in my life, I am filled with that certainty. Its not a set list of “he's this” or “he's that” - its more just this overarching-deep-in-my-gut-unable-to-dissuade-me confidence that this is the one I was created for.

And I truly could not be happier.

i suck at blogging

2010-03-08T08:41:00.002-05:00

but then again, so do all of you...so i don't feel so bad :)

i have lots of stuff i COULD write about...just don't feel like it i guess. atleast not yet.

and i'm feeling all "loner-y" lately anyway. just doing my own thing - taking a class, working out some financial stuff, planning a few things in my future, hanging out with my studly man - you know, the usual. i sorta feel like i'm on sabbatical though...just removed from life somehow.

it's weird.

i haven't been reading as much as i would like. or writing. gonna work on that today and finish up a chapter. i want to finish the abe story before my birthday....probably won't make it, but you know me, i like to set goals.

(LOL - yeah i just checked to see how many more chapters it would require for me to finish abe - 10! yep, not gonna finish that before my birthday. maybe i'll manage 2 or 3)

our vegas trip is coming up soon. i am very excited about that! a vacation is long overdue. i've always wanted to do the whole vegas/grand canyon thing. throw in a vegas wedding at caesar's palace and how can you go wrong? :) plus, tom has a bazillion things in arizona he wants to show me because he loves it out there. another person on the planet who loves the desert and old dead people - yep! i found him!! (well, he found me, but same difference). aww, my dream guy :)

that's all i got for now.

Knowing

2010-01-25T09:52:00.001-05:00

I’ve known for quite a while now actually…since our first date, in fact. As we sat on his living room couch and talked about our favorite ancient dead people, our passions for history, our love of travel, the funky way God speaks to us…

I’m sure we looked like dorks – being so lively and enthusiastic about such nerdy things…

But My heart and soul resonated with him.

And I knew. Without a doubt. He’s the one.

Funny thing about resolutions...

2010-01-20T08:40:00.004-05:00

I don’t make them.

At least not on January 1 of each year.

Which is weird, really….because I LOVE “to do” lists. I have them in every area of my life it seems.

But alas, I do not make New Year’s resolutions.

I save that yearly what-does-my-life-amount-to self reflection garbage for my birthday in April

Actually the only “list” I do make in January of each year is my “Annual Reading List”

I’ve kept track of my reading for the past 2 years now and it really does help me keep on it. In 2008 I committed to read 12 books in a year. Doesn’t sound like much, I know. It’s only one book a month. But what can I say? I didn’t want to overwhelm myself :) I had been told that a diverse reading list would enhance my writing skill…so I tried it. I stepped away from all of the Old Testament research textbook stuff that I had spent the past several years reading through my Masters program in seminary and I made a “to do” list. I made a list of 12 random, yet basic categories and then picked one book for each category. It was fun. Eye opening actually. I was able to read (and enjoy) books I never would have previously picked up off the shelf.

In 2009 I cranked it up a notch and committed to reading 24 books in the year. Not so much within certain categories – just trying to devour 24 books. Interestingly enough, I read LOTS of fiction – which if you know anything about me, is VERY out of my norm. I admit, I sorta cheated near the end though. THE STAND tied me up at the end of the year because it’s so freaking LONG! I was stalled at 23…so I picked up a Buffy comic book on December 28 and read through it. Haha. 24! Mission Accomplished!

This year, my sis succumbed to my Christmas wishes and got me a subscription to Audible.com…which might be cheating a little bit, but who cares. I’m going to try to get 36 in this year. And trying to mix it up again. I plan to read a few that reach back to my Classic Literature roots, read a few that have been on my list for years but I’ve never gotten around to, and read a few from authors I’ve never even heard of.

So far this is my docket:

A Wrinkle In Time – Madeleine L’Engle

Plan B – Anne Lamott

If I Should Die Before I Wake – Han Nolan

Gates of Fire - Steven Pressfield

Bird by Bird – Anne Lamott

Angela’s Ashes – Frank McCourt

John Adams – David McCullough OR Team of Rivals – Doris Kearns Goodwin

Peace Like A River – Leif Enger

(maybes)

Salem’s Lot – Stephen King

Catcher in the Rye – JD Salinger

…and I am still brainstorming…I have a stack of about 30 books I haven’t touched in years, so maybe I will get around to those….

Any other suggestions of must-reads?

The Psychology of Dreams

2010-01-13T10:12:00.001-05:00

I think these two quotes are descriptive of ANY dream, passion, or resolution in life, not just writing.

“If you are going to be a writer there is nothing I can say to stop you; if you're not going to be a writer nothing I can say will help you. What you really need at the beginning is somebody to let you know that the effort is real." – James Baldwin

"If you want to be a novelist, write. Every day. Faithfully, serenely, and diligently. You have to want to write so badly that nothing, not jobs, not friends, not family, not TV or the movies, will stop you. You want it so badly you won't be deterred. You know that if you want to clutch a decent first draft of your novel in your tight little fists in six months or a year, one that you're justly proud of, but still dissatisfied with, then you have to sit down and start in on it today. Start by jotting notes. Your own procrastination is your first obstacle. Your lack of confidence may be the second. The confidence comes with the writing. You are the only person who can stop you from writing your novel." - John Defresne

I wonder...

2010-01-04T18:10:00.002-05:00

Why do you read this blog?

It isn’t crafted as a conversation forum. I don’t end each entry with a application question or life lesson. I don’t share my thoughts on current fads or trending topics trying to generate a discussion. I don’t journal my way through some year-long experiment and share my revelations or insights.

I really don’t offer you anything…except me. My life. My thoughts. My struggles.

I hope this doesn’t come off sarcastic or condescending or as some sort of pity party – because it is in no way intended as such. I have just been discovering recently that as a blog “author”, I break every “blog rule” out there. Social media gurus would hate my blog. I do not write on a consistent schedule. My entries are WAY too long according to market standards. I have no statement of purpose, no theme, no area of expertise through which I filter everything I write.

It’s just me…and my self-absorbed ego…living my life…in all its randomness.

But still, people read. I know that. It shows up in my stats.

But I am left wondering, “Why do you read?” Because again, this blog offers you nothing that today’s culture experts say you want.

Its just my heart on paper…or in cyberspace, I guess. I mean don’t get me wrong, I hope my heart’s mutterings do in some way encourage you…or something…

But really, if I quit blogging…would it make a difference to anyone?

“What’s this all for anyway?”

I’m left with only one answer: my own. Because that’s the only person I can answer for anyway.

And for me, the answer is yes.

It would make a difference.

To me.

Because this is my place.

My safe place to share my heart. To wrestle out my struggles with God. To ask questions. To argue. To be embraced. To be silly and ridiculous. To make fun of myself. To entertain my friends. To rant and rave about stupid people. Or to script poetic praise about the beauty and love in my life.

It’s for me.

And I do sincerely hope, in some small way, it’s for you.

Fighting Fear's Clutch

2009-12-16T15:39:00.005-05:00

It’s funny how I never really grasp the power of fear in my life until it sneaks up out of the shadows and tries to shove me over a cliff.

And it tends to do exactly that – SNEAK up on me – because most often, I do not consider myself very fearful. I am typically the person who sees what she wants and goes after it. Even if it takes a lifetime to accomplish,…or I have to take a few detours to get there…I’m patient with the process. One step at a time. No biggie.

But recently, I’ve noticed two specific areas in my life where fear is threatening to reign.

1. Career

2. Love

You see, I’m a dreamer. Visions drive me. Dreams fuel my passion. They’re like my drug. I couldn’t imagine how I’d function without them.

Most of the time, the dreams exhilarate me. The possibilities of what this grand life could be.

And I am just stubborn and loony enough to try to make them happen.

But apparently there is a flipside to dreams that they don’t warn you about: They have costs. And they require risk.

That’s where fear likes to take hold. Whispering lies and drudging up insecurities – which is powerful and effective ammunition in breaking one’s spirit.

And I admit, it works on me…for a moment or two…as I am overwhelmed by the temptation to hide myself away from the scary, scary world.

After all, that’s safer.

No risk involved there.

But no abundant life there, either.

1. Career

On Monday, Susan posted a tweet about an agency looking for new writers. This is something about my career I have put on the back burner because frankly, it terrifies me. The publishing industry is a rollercoaster ride of ups and downs, of promising opportunities and of crushing disappointments. And frankly, no matter how good I am at writing or teaching, I SUCK at trying to describe the purpose/worth of GIOTGU to anyone on the outside.

And that’s exactly what a book proposal is – a selling pitch on why this book even needs to exist.

Enter fear.

And how does Carol deal with the fear? For two years, I buried the stupid proposal nightmare deep in the cobwebbed recesses of my computer and pursued other avenues instead. Risky avenues still…just not as scary.

Because I like to have control. The reason I enjoy building GIOTGU is because I am in total control (well mostly – besides the times when Elisabeth vetoes me). But still, it’s my baby, my dream, and I can create it into whatever I so desire.

So 2009 was a good year. Proposal buried. GIOTGU morphing. Carol happy.

Until the friggin’ tweet from Susan…

And I’ll admit I spent all day Monday whining. Everyone should thank Candi for being such a good sport and fielding my irrational behavior. But then I did buckle down and contact a few people for help and advice and I am now ready to tackle the beast, albeit slowly and still with much trepidation.

2. Love

In this area, I’ve always had the dream of what I want, of what makes my heart exclaim “YES! That’s it!”

… and yet, to have it now staring me in the face terrifies me.

I am fighting my flight instinct.

Because I can’t control how much this guy cares for me…and I don’t like not being in control. I’ve even tried to dissuade the dude by pointing out all of my flaws and spilling all of my deep-dark-ugly secrets and mistakes.

He cannot be deterred.

It’s sorta unnerving. Lol.

Not to mention that I simply cannot fathom that I am HIS dream come true.

Me? Really? Is that even possible?

Weird.

But he is well aware of this silly issue I have. And I have begged him to not let me run away – tie me down and drag me away kicking and screaming if you have to. Just don’t let me allow fear to get the best of me.

Who would have thought I am such a pansy.

But I can tell you – that in both of these areas – each day I am taking the risks, trusting my God, and trying to choose courage over fear.

born again

2009-12-11T08:00:00.002-05:00

It blows my mind that this life of ours never stops. it never stands still. we are always growing and moving and shaping into someone new and different. and for the most part, I am very thankful for that. granted, there are several aspects of myself that remain the same, and several more things that are uniquely me that i never want to change. but i'm not necessarily talking about losing yourself...but more discovering a clearer glimpse of who you are, what you were created for, and what truly fulfills you.

for me these "revelations" typically come through random circumstances, challenges, or even heartbreaks in life - where i am delightfully surprised by the embrace of hope and the realization that my heart's desire (previously hidden to even me) might actually waltz into my life. it's new life. a new beginning in the midst of a tired worn down life.

and i am thankful because that's the kind of God i have...one who knows me better than myself and is excited to unveil my dreams to me...one who never lets me go....one who is out to get me...one whose pursuit i cannot dissuade no matter what i do. He desires good for me. bottom line. and it truly is more than i can ever imagine.

i pray that i might always be able to reflect on my life from time to time...

...that i might continually be "surprised" by His goodness and love...

...and that my soul is able to sing these words, as they do now.

Today I found myself
After searching all these years
And the man that I saw, he wasn't at all who I thought he'd be
I was lost when you found me here
And I was broken beyond repair
Then you came along and you sang your song over me

It feels like I'm born again
It feels like I'm living
For the very first time
For the very first time
In my life

Make a promise to me now
Reassure my heart somehow
That the love that I feel is so much more real than anything
I've a feeling in my soul
And I pray that I'm not wrong
That the life I have now, it is only the beginning

I wasn't looking for something that was more
Than what I had yesterday
Then you came to me and you gave to me
Life and a love that I've never known
That I've never felt before

It feels like I'm born again
It feels like I'm living
For the very first time
I'm living for the first time
It feels like I'm breathing
It feels like I'm moving
For the very first time
I'm living for the first time
In my life

toward redemption

2009-12-09T15:30:00.003-05:00

it irritates me that just when i think i am getting through a few things in my past, they creep out of the shadows and bite me in the ass.

yesterday i had a rough day.

felt defeated by my past. pissed off at myself and certain situations, etc.

but this insight was shared with me this morning - and it gave me perspective and hope. so i wanted to post it.

"Unfortunately, when we messy humans make a "mess", the clean up phase sometimes lasts a little longer than we might like. Because we made the mess in the first place there is little to do but put your head down, drop to your knees and start scrubbing the stain. Every now and again it rises to the surface even after you've scrubbed it clean....so you just have to drop back down and give it the once over one more time. And it sounds like that's what happened yesterday.

And you got down and scrubbed that stain one more time and eventually it will fade....or, you'll simply replace the carpet. ;-) So you've made some less than desirable choices as we humans tend to do. Shrug it off, realize you got your heart back from that confusing place you took it to, and smile that you were blessed with the strength of will, heart, soul and mind to pull yourself out of that place and God rewarded you for it. With me of course! :-D Cuz....I am a spectacular human being. Can I fix everything? Nope. I can't even wrap Christmas presents without bolluxing up the cutting!

So in short, you are pissed off by all that mess because you know now that it was a mess and nobody likes to clean up after themselves. :-) But those days are over. You have chosen a different path of love and fidelity and exploration and the happiness that choice will bring you will outshine any stain on your carpet."

Thank you, Tom. You might not be perfect, but I think you are damn near genius :)

shuv

2009-12-03T14:49:00.003-05:00

I have a tattoo on my wrist that I got many, many years ago. It is a relatively small tattoo, but it still somehow seems to attract a lot of attention. Which was not my goal. Because it is very personal - perhaps the MOST personal of all of my tattoos. So personal in fact, that when most people ask me what it means, I flat out lie to them.

But here’s the real story…and how it still affects me today.

The tattoo is the Hebrew word “shuv” which means “to turn.”

The tattoo came about at a time in my life when my identity was rocked…actually my entire sense of self was shattered. I felt like my whole world was caving in on me.

It was a dark, dark time when I needed hope.

And I found it (hope) in this promise:

“I will make aneverlasting covenant with them that I will not turn away from them, to do them good; and I will put the fear of Me in their hearts so that they will not turn away from Me.”

The verse is in the Old Testament book of Jeremiah. And it actually comes in chapter 32…on the tail-end of 31 chapters steeped in warnings to the Israelite people – warnings about how their wickedness is going to result in Babylonian captivity…a national disaster that will destroy them as a nation and uproot them from their land.

Dark, dark times –

…which was their own doing.

But God wraps that harsh reality in promise – a promise that He will not altogether turn His back on them, that He will bring them back to Him, that He will never, ever let them go, that they still…even with their wicked, prideful, selfish hearts…belong to Him.

…that He will not “turn” away from them and He will give them a heart that will not “turn” away from Him.

Beautiful Hebrew use of imagery.

“turn”

“shuv”

But it’s not at all easy to stomach when it hits home in your own life. A disaster that shakes you so badly, that you HAVE to cry out for any sort of hope just to hang on.

Like I said, that’s where I was so many years ago when I got this tattoo.

And that conflict in my soul continues to haunt me.

I’ve lived enough of my life to now know just how ugly my heart can be. That it is selfish and self-serving and scarred. And I think it is something that I am always going to battle. Like some people battle food or alcohol, I battle my heart’s ugly selfishness. “Human nature,” I think it is called.

A tension rages within me…because I know the ugly selfishness my heart is capable of…yet I also claw and fight to grab onto these words of promise…

…that I can be made new.

Sometimes I hate that I have branded this promise into my skin - because I hate what that word “to turn” demands of me…especially in times when I want to go my own way, do my own thing.

But then there are other days, like today, when I look down and feel embraced in that promise….because in those moments, I am SO aware of the divided nature of my heart. A heart that is so easily enticed by the various things seeking its attention, but also a heart that cries out, “Please LORD, keep Your promise. Give me a heart that will not turn away from You….because I can’t be faithful on my own.”

Today I again cry out in that desperation.

*sigh*

In fear that I have just talked in circles and failed to make ANY point whatsoever, here is a quote I found that seems to sum up how the entire message of Jeremiah continues to speak to my heart.

(from BibleCliffNotes, of all things! Ha.)

“The prophet's [Jeremiah] conception of human nature is well expressed in his statement "Can the Ethiopian change his skin or the leopard its spots? Neither can you do good who are accustomed to doing evil." Humans are so constituted that they follow their desires rather than their intellect; for this reason, they cannot change their evil ways until they experience a change of heart. Furthermore, Jeremiah contended that humans cannot change their nature by themselves. Such reform can occur only through cooperation with Yahweh, and Yahweh can act on human hearts only when humans recognize their need for it. Without this inner transformation in human nature, all reformative movements are destined to fail.”

My Jesus

2009-11-20T15:29:00.006-05:00

I have a friend. We talk every day. About all sorts of stuff.

He calls me his head shrink. And I laugh at him.

Because, really! Who would be crazy enough to trust ME with that responsibility!

Plus, I feel inadequate most of the time.

Because his life is so different from mine. Our backgrounds, childhoods, life experiences, family, career paths – all of it, completely opposite ends of the spectrum.

But the differences seem to offer us an endless amount of things to talk about, and there truly is a deep sense of trust between us – which is super cool. I feel like we have been close friends our entire lives.

We talk about all sorts of stuff. Some silly. Some serious. And some super intense….

That’s where we were last week: intense conversations that touched on some very deep hurts, struggles, and life questions. And as a result, this friend of mine inadvertently shoved me towards a crossroads.

Because I had to be truthful with him…and it was sort of terrifying because it demanded I open my heart to him.

Let me explain.

I tend to keep my heart very guarded. I am getting more and more comfortable spilling my heart out here on this blog, but for the most part I am a private person. I do my own thing, work through my own issues, deal with things in my own time. And I allow everyone else the freedom to do the same.

But if you were to walk behind the closed doors of my heart, you'd see an interesting scene. A girl who repeatedly (and often on a daily basis) runs headlong into the embrace of her extravagant lover, the savior of her soul. These are typically very intimate scenes. We talk. I cry. We dance. We plan life. I ask questions. I rest in His presence and love.

I know in my deepest depths that He is the one I belong to. He alone owns my heart and always will. He alone fills my life with so much love that I cannot contain the joy, nor would I try to.

But like I said, these are private moments. I don’t shout it from the rooftops or run around all day gushing about Jesus’ great love. I think it inevitably spills out of my life in everything I do, but I don’t make a big show of it.

Please don’t misunderstand me. I am not ashamed of Him. I am just not forceful with Him into the lives of others. So in public, I think I come off as nonchalant about Him. Because by His own right, Jesus is intrusive, dangerous, demanding, and confrontational with people – so I don’t feel the need to help Him along.

But He is my everything. And has been for a long, long time.

So anyway, last week, this friend and I were talking about some serious life questions and when he posed a very specific question to me, I must admit I fell silent for a moment. The crossroads I was talking about.

Do I pander him the safe answer? Here are 5 steps to fix everything...blah, blah, blah.

Or do I open my heart, be honest with him, and share the only answer I truly believe in?

I had no intention to betray him or my own heart. So I did it. I pulled the “squirrel” card. (Yes, I broke my own rule).

I told him that the Creator of the Universe is the only one who can help. And that although I cannot even imagine the depth of pain life has thrown at him, Jesus is the only person I know who has been able to heal and satisfy the hurts in my own heart. And I believe He is the only one who can do that for anyone.

There is no other hope in this world.

OK, well I confess, I didn’t sound quite that eloquent when I was talking to him, but I think he got the gist.

And then I told him that it isn’t easy. And it isn’t quick. And it will probably hurt more to walk through it to healing than it did to be hurt in the first place. But I also told him I’d be here if he needed someone to walk the journey with him. That is, if he wanted to take that journey at all. And that we’d take it slow. No pressure.

My Jesus – the hope of the world. Even if it sounds cheesy, that’s who He is. And the possibilities of how that plays out in each of our lives in absolutely endless. And beautiful.

So yeah, here’s the proof to everyone out there that I am a horrible head shrink. Learn by my friend’s mistake and go pay a professional. :)

My Trends

2009-11-05T14:12:00.006-05:00

Had an interesting conversation with a friend today about how I function in this crazy life of mine. How I tend to attack things in my life with a certain confidence …and I reminded her how often I still manage to fall on my face by doing that…career paths, job opportunities, boys….

*smile*

But I must admit, I wouldn’t go back and change a single thing. I mean, I’ve done my fair share of making stupid decisions, of jumping into things full of abandon and delusion. Actually I think I’ve done enough of that so that my friends don’t need to do it themselves. I’ve got them covered J

Even all the way back to college – thinking I was going to be a veterinarian…until failing chemistry happened….and then switching to secondary education/English teacher until….well, until I just got bored and realized I didn’t want to do that either.

And then pursuing my Old Testament passion through all kinds of twists and turns – seminary, traveling to Egypt, not being able to decide on a school – Chicago/Vanderbilt/Hebrew-Union – do I stay at home/do I go…and then attending SBL conference in Boston and wondering if I even wanted to teach that junk at all!!

And realizing I didn’t.

To trying to find a job…none of which related to anything my extensive education qualified me to do. LaRosa’s??? CCHMC Concierge??? Interviewing for a CU Resident Director position???

Really? Is there ANY rhyme to my reason?!!!

I told this friend that I tend to fall into my dreams. I might in a round-about way pursue them, but most of the time, they come up and bite me in the ass.

For example, the CWG book contest – I didn’t honestly think I had a chance to win at first. And I have NO idea how I survived the “book proposal” writing process. It was HELL. But then I got my semi-finalist letter…and then my finalist letter….and then my confidence grew and I knew in my gut that my name was going to be announced from the stage…and it was…and I brought home the big fat check…

I look back on all these things and I see just how often I throw my whole self into a bunch of randomness…and yet somehow, that is the ONLY path that could’ve even remotely brought me to where I am today.

I mean, I LOVE where I am today with the GIOTGU vision and I am completely confident in this path….but it has been a long and winding road getting here, that’s for sure!

Man, I must be hard to live with!

And do we even need to mention the drama I’ve gone through with boys??? Ha…that road has just been comical…entertaining… delusional…whatever adjective you want to use! But again, I wouldn’t change a single thing. Through them all, I have learned stuff about myself. I’ve learned what works, what doesn’t, what I want, what I don’t want.

I am 32 years old and wouldn’t change a single thing about myself. And I have learned the priceless value of having people in my life who accept me just as I am – with all of my quirks and faults and goofy irrational trends.

Isn’t that what life is all about, after all?

No change is a good change

2009-10-28T16:08:00.000-04:00

I had my 6-month cardiologist check-up today. I felt very nervous going into it because I knew that there were basically only two outcomes: either 1) my aortic diameter had grown and I was closer or even AT the point to where surgery was necessary, or 2) the diameter hadn’t changed much and we wait another 6 months and check back in then.

Today’s measurement was 4.4cm – which means I win what is behind Door #2!

I am thrilled. Relieved even.

Yeah, 2% of me is a little eager to just get the surgery over with, but the other 98% of me figures, “dude, if you don’t HAVE to cut me open yet, then let’s not cut me open yet!”

So yeah, sometimes no change is a good change. Especially since this area of my life has been so whacked out for the past 2 years!

Please don't...

2009-10-15T14:37:00.004-04:00

I hate to be hit on. Especially by people whom I have tried to make it VERY clear to that they probably shouldn’t even go there.

But one of those dreaded awkward moments happened this afternoon at work. A nice enough man…well, nice until I tuned into his intentions...and then he turned borderline creepy. For the past week or so, the atmosphere progressed from cordial business niceties to more personal questions…and lingering at my desk trying to prolong the conversations…and checking me out when he thought I wasn’t looking.

Sigh.

I know the old adage, “It never hurts to try.” Well, let me tell you…yeah, sometimes it does. Sometimes the girl makes it VERY clear she is not interested and when she does this, it means you should save face, spare both of you the awkward moment of rejection and…I don’t know…admire from a distance???

So to prevent any more confusion on the matter, here are Carol’s tell-tell signs that she is not at all interested in a guy. This is not a completed list. These are just a few I have picked up through experiences in the past. Feel free to add some more at the end in the comments section.

1. If you are 20 years older than me, then the answer is NO. Honestly! Why are you even CONSIDERING it as a possibility!!

2. If you come to my desk to “flirt”, and I seem aloof, disinterested, preoccupied, mindlessly busy…or I am talking about a new boy I just met…then that typically means I already sense your intentions and I am trying to dissuade you before you try to snag a window of opportunity to ask a question that you are ultimately going to get rejected for.

3. If all you want is sex…sorry buddy, you missed that boat by about 2 months.

4. If you are shorter than me…do I even have to go there?

5. If I don’t tell you straight out that I WANT you to kiss me, then I don’t want you to. So don’t even try.

6. Just because I am attractive and unmarried does not mean that I am desperate and will date anything that walks by. The very fact that I AM still unmarried at age 32 should clue you in that I obviously have standards.

7. There is a certain charm required in the pursuit of a woman. I am a girl, I loved to be pursued. I even like a man who knows what he wants and goes after it. But I am also an independent, stubborn-ass woman who can decide for herself. I do not like to be told what I want, who I want, and when I want it. I have a brain. I can decide for myself.

There is an even longer list of things that I WILL respond to…things that I am sure a smart, sweet, gentle, tall, studly, respectable man will one day figure out.

Oh wait, he already did.

and I am completely enamored by him.

dare you to move

2009-10-13T09:57:00.002-04:00

Trusting God is a challenge for me.

Well, let me rephrase that. Trusting God with things that I can control and accomplish on my own is super easy for me.

..but perhaps that isn’t really trusting Him at all…

Even mentally trusting God’s words of promise is not too scary…because you know, they always sound good and they give me comfort and warm fuzzies about how much God loves me even though I am utterly screwed up.

But God seems to never be content with just the devotion of my brain. He gets all possessive and demanding and wants me to actually walk out that trust…to take a step onto the proverbial bridge that I cannot see. To trust in a path that I would never think to carve out for myself…and trust in results that I cannot in any way procure by my own power or means.

And therein lies the challenge. I am a planner. I like to know where I am going and how exactly I am going to get there – just take a vacation with me and you will see this to be true.

But trusting God doesn’t work that way. There is a sort of helplessness to it –because it can never be halfway. And because it always entails something I cannot do myself…with an end result that I can never see in defined terms.

And of course, it never involves something of little value. He always demands the most precious things we hold in our hearts to trust Him with – which in my case, is most often MYSELF - my future, my heart’s deepest desires.

Sometimes I find myself in a place where I have no other choice – where I have hit rock bottom and the only way out of my mess is to lay myself in His hands and trust Him.

But then there are other times where I stand at a fork in the road. Where I can see the two roads diverging and I am well aware that I can choose either path…

His.

Or my own.

About a month ago that is where I stood.

And I don’t think I have moved very far down the road since then. My toes are pointed in the right direction, but even the term “baby steps” would be an overstatement. As I prolong each step, I can hear Him lovingly whisper to me, “Carol, you must do this My way. Just trust Me.”

Sometimes I like when my heart doesn’t have a choice. When He just compels me to choose Him. When I know without a shadow of a doubt what my heart wants. When I know anything less would never be enough…no matter what it costs or demands of me. When I am certain of these things, there is peace.

So He gives my brain pictures to go on – visions, even – and then urges my heart to respond…

I honestly sit here today and I am so thankful that He has proven Himself faithful so consistently throughout my life that I cannot doubt Him now. Because what He is asking of me is huge and scary, but I actually WANT to put my life in His hands.

There is a weird safety in this helplessness.

Damaged

2009-10-04T21:44:00.002-04:00

Have you ever just pressed the pause button on life for a moment and thought, “How did I get here?’

Today was one of those days for me. Now I typically do not psychoanalyze myself too much, but today I just sat back and was bewildered by certain things.

Specifically, “When did I start believing so many lies about myself?”

Those who know me know that my claim to fame is my super high self-esteem. I know who I am. I know what I want out of life. I know what I am good at…and in most cases have no problem telling you about it. :) I know I am adorable and funny and smart, etc, etc, etc. Basically I am fabulous and I don’t mind everyone knowing it. Ha!

So on these rare occasions when the fears and insecurities do start creeping in, I typically have enough sense to recognize them as nonsense.

But today I battled.

The specific lies I battled today revolved around conclusions I made about my self worth because of how a certain relationship in my recent past ended.

I guess one positive thing is that as soon as I hear one of these lies, #1 – I know it is a lie, and #2 – I can pretty quickly and accurately trace where it came from. It is usually a combination of poor choices I made, coupled with how I interpret certain events, and resulting in conclusions I make about what is true in regards to my worth based on the words or actions of others.

I know, false logic. But it’s still hard to not get trapped in the vicious lies the words and actions (or lack of actions) of others can cement into our sense of self.

It blows my mind that at age 32, I still fail to choose well for myself.

I think I am just starting to realize the extent to which 5 years of indecision can damage a person.

There is a scene in Sunshine Cleaning where Amy Adams says, “I am good at getting boys to like me. I am very good at getting them to want to have sex with me…but none of them ever want to marry me.”

I almost cried. Words from my own depths. Because as the particular relationship I am referencing unraveled and was obliterated to shreds, I have been feeling those words true in my own life.

So I wanted to talk to God about it – and you know, in the process complete my homework for GIOTGU :)

I wanted Him to take each one of these lies and replace them with truth – with His definition of what is true about who I am, not the conclusions my jaded and injured self make up to protect myself from further hurt.

And again, since you screwed up friends of mine like to hear my psycho convos with God, I will share. Verbatim, of course.

Me: God, "The Ex's" lack of action and decision communicated to me that I am not worth the trouble – that I have too many “cons” in my personality to outweigh the “pros” – that I am too scary to be involved with because I am so risky – my health, my dreams, my intelligence. His fear communicated to me that I am just shy of being enough – I have enough good qualities to stack me right up to the line, but not enough to push it over the top – to convince/compel him (or any man) to want to choose me for life, to sacrifice for me, to build a life with me.
I spent 5 years associating my identity and self worth by how that man understood and loved me. As a result, I concluded that if he could not bring himself to choose me, then no one else ever will either - because in 5 years, you should know enough about a person to be able to decide.
So God, I need You to speak truth into these conclusions I have made.

God: Carol, I have already told you that I have designed you for marriage. You just have to trust Me with it.

Me: But I need You to clear all of this up before I can move on or even think of getting into a HEALTHY relationship with someone.

God: No you don’t. You just have to trust Me and find your worth in Me alone. Rely on Me for your identity and value…you can’t fix yourself to make yourself more desirable.

Me (smirking): …but that is what makes me feel better about myself…

God: I know it does. But you need to find your identity and worth in Me, not in how “put-together” you feel. I want you to stay broken and messy.

Me (not so thrilled with that idea): …but I don’t like being broken and messy. It's all uncomfortable, and vulnerable, and needy…

God: I know. (He nudges my arm and smiles – suggesting that THAT is exactly the point He is trying to make to me)

Me: Yeah, yeah. (I resign and smile.) Brat.

pensive

2009-09-23T12:12:00.001-04:00

I recently read a story about a guy who was 35 years old before he told a girl he loved her.

I must admit that I sort of felt sorry for him.

…that he was that guarded...or protected...or non-committal…or scared of intimacy...

Whatever his reason

Maybe I am just too much the other extreme - I pour my heart out everywhere.

I love deeply.

And often.

And don’t really get dissuaded by the possibility of getting hurt - I just see that as part of the package

Love and pain go together. The deeper you love, the deeper it hurts.

But I don’t think a lot of people are like me. I know my sisters aren’t.

But I can see specific places in my life where I picked up this worldview – and how certain events shaped me in this fashion.

Even my personality type explains that I embrace both the good and bad in life.

This is how I am described:

EMOTIONAL STABILITY - A General Description of Your Reactivity
Each one of us encounters some hard times; we get caught off guard, or feel a sudden swell of emotion, whether from fear, joy, anger or sadness. Life is just like this sometimes. You know that because you are an emotional person. Some people go to great lengths to keep their emotions under wraps, to keep a stiff upper lip, to not let others know what emotions they are feeling. But that is not you. You embrace all of life's emotions, both the joys and the turmoil that life brings our way.

When you're having fun with a group of friends you don't even try to contain your pleasure; you laugh hard and feel every moment of the conversation because of the joy that comes from the experience. You make very intense friendships; ones where all of the depth of emotions that you feel can be shared. Emotions are such an essential part of your everyday life. You may cry at intense movies or when watching a sad story on the evening news. You get angry, at others or at yourself, and you do not stifle it. Emotions drive your personality and your relationships - you simply are what you feel.

You experience both the highs and the lows more profoundly than most. And you usually relish the intensity of your emotions. For sure you enjoy the positive times. There are those times, though, when your feelings get the best of you and you wonder how you will manage the moment. But because you are so in tune with all of your emotions you will experience something very pleasant and will be able to engage with that positive feeling to again enjoy the wonderful intensity that life brings you.

This is SO true. Brian used to call me the “whole spectrum of blue” – because when I am happy, I am like electric blue – contagious. But when I am sad or concerned about something, I fade into a deep blue – almost black.

He understood me well.

But anyway, those are my random thoughts for the day.

Embracing it

2009-09-18T12:06:00.003-04:00

Lance, one of my fave security officers stopped by to chat this morning. I think he thinks I am mental anyway – because he has concluded that the only likely reason I can be 32 years old and still single - never married even - is because there must be something wrong in my head. I admit, I was offended at first. Still am a little. But I forgive him for being SO off base.

He says I am nothing like what he expected when he first met me. And even now, every time we talk, I tend to take the conversation to places “he never expects.”

Ha. He repeatedly shakes his head at me with a bewildered look on his face.

I perplex him I think.

He says I am complicated. Lots of layers.

Which CAN be true I guess – depending on what we are discussing.

This morning, we were talking about how I talk to God. And how God talks back to me.

In full conversations.

He thinks that is odd. Why would I expect the Most High to be interested in talking to me on a daily basis? Whether He loved me or not. I laughed.

I don’t know why. I just know He does.

So Lance thinks I am crazy. I even let him read a few excerpts of my God conversations from my blog . . . which . . . probably didn’t help my case any . . .

But I am OK with that.

And it left me wondering: Do people just not EXPECT God to respond or carry on a conversation with them?

Because I’d have it no other way. When I wrote my Immanuel post last week, I really came to terms with embracing this aspect of my craziness because I cannot imagine what a nutcase I would be if I NEVER heard God’s voice again. It is such a tangible aspect of His presence in my life – I just could not imagine life without it.

Granted, I understand sometimes there are times of silence and sometimes He just lets me do my own thing without interruption – but He never LEAVES. I always sense Him with me.

So I don’t know that I care whether or not people think I am insane. Because I wouldn’t trade this intimacy and constant communication with God for ANYTHING!

A few weeks ago, Elisabeth suggested that I embrace my craziness like I embrace my tallness. I guess that’s what I’m doing.

Sidenote: In A Million Miles, Donald Miller makes a comment that he thinks people who hear from God are kooks. And then he went on to hear from God. Made me laugh.

A Million Miles

2009-09-16T08:11:00.000-04:00

So I finished Donald Miller’s hidden manuscript about a week ago and I’ve been chewing on it ever since. Not really knowing what to think about it all….

Don’t get me wrong, the book is good. And we all know I adore Donald Miller. I love how he writes, his quirky sense of humor, his outlook on SO many things in this life.

And this book does deliver. It made me laugh. And cry. And ponder things. But I felt like he sometimes insinuated that our life stories only REALLY matter if we are out doing grand things to change the world.

And I just don’t think that is true.

I think of my own life. Of all the places I have been, of all the things I have accomplished, of the knowledge I have gained, of ministries I have served in…but I don’t think my story is great because of any of that.

My story is only great because of the people who are in my story alongside me. My story is essentially meaningful because of all of you. Alone I would be nothing.

In fact, I can’t even begin to imagine how empty my life would be without all of you. You impact my life just by being yourselves. Loving. Generous. Real.

There is no one else I’d rather live life with. It feels like we’ve already traveled a million miles together…

but I can’t wait to see what the next million holds!

So yeah, I guess I have something to say to Mr. Miller. I would tell him that I appreciate his story, of all that he has learned through this experience of editing his life. And I would thank him. - for reminding me of why MY story is so grand and meaningful.

Walk On

2009-09-14T21:46:00.003-04:00

I was driving home from work tonight and God just laid into me.

“Carol, why the hell are you dragging this stuff around with you? This is not you! You keep thinking you need to keep it as part of you – as if it's some sort of idol that makes your story worthy. You hold onto it in some fucked up way because you feel like I need to redeem you from it. Because you know that I CAN redeem this. But you’ve got it all wrong. This isn’t a part of you. This isn’t even your story you are trying to live. It is someone else’s. YOUR story is altogether different.

You keep trying to figure out how to fight this war within you…when all you have to do is walk away. Just leave it behind.

You’ve just got to leave it behind.”

So i did.

ani l’dodi v’dodi li

2009-09-10T22:47:00.000-04:00

*translated from Hebrew, “I am my beloved’s and my beloved is mine.”

Lish and I were talking this afternoon about the book she is reading for our Job study, A SEVERE MERCY. She said the book was so rich in so many ways that she plans to begin it again as soon as she can.

I smiled. Because that book holds a very special place in my heart. I think I cried ¾ of its entirety. Not because it is overwhelmingly sad – although parts of it are – but because in it, I saw my dream for love and marriage spilled into the written pages of reality.

I’d tell you more about the VanAukens, but I couldn’t do their story justice. It is truly compelling though. Read the book :)

But I don’t think there are a lot of people out there like them, with that kind of commitment and devotion and self-sacrifice and just togetherness…

God knows I’m not.

In fact I’m the complete opposite.

And that’s the rub. Because I’m one of those people who likes to do things their own way.

But I want what the VanAuken’s shared. If I’m ever going to be married, I wouldn’t settle for anything less.

So, try to do THAT math. It doesn’t add up, does it?

And I know it doesn’t.

*****

Last night when I was laying in bed, God and I had a conversation. These are His comments:

“Carol, who do you want Me to be in your life? Honestly. What role do you want Me to play? Because I will do it. I will back off and be whoever you want Me to be.”

There it is – a perfect example of God’s communication skills with me – getting right to the root of my issues in as few words as possible. (This is why I call Him a smart ass – because His line of argument always leaves me with nothing to say in rebuttal).

I know He spoke the words sincerely….He was honestly making the offer…

But He also knew the very thought of it would be absurd to me…because I don’t want Him to be LESS to me. I want Him to be MORE. He already knows this. – that I want all of Him, that I want Him to be my everything. Granted, my actions don’t always show it and I struggle through the ugly messes that I make out of my life, but it’s still what I want, what my heart desires.

So I didn’t audibly answer Him. Because I knew He already knew my answer…and He also knew my silent prayer was that He’d work it out in my heart.

*****

Good ‘ol Rick McKinley. Kicking my ass again bright and early this morning.

He spoke of the time when he and his wife Jeannie were engaged to be married - their anticipation, their sense of longing to come together – to join two lives together as one.

“There was just a real sense and desire to come together - not just as two individuals who were doing our own thing, but to really unite our lives for one common thing. What is it that we were going to be about for the rest of our lives?

Why can’t we even begin to think of our spiritual lives that way? That God is this incredible lover who is coming to us in Christ and invites us to be with Him in a deeply passionate marital covenant relationship, and then join our lives together for a common thing that God is about.

So often we reduce Him. We don’t want the whole package. I want to date God, but I don’t want to marry Him. I want to chat with Him online for a little bit, but I don’t know that I want to hang out for the rest of our lives. I don’t want Him to get too close because I like a spirituality where I can pick and choose. Which in the dating world, we would call that being a player.

But God comes and says - that is not the spirituality that I am talking about. What would it look like to have a spirituality that looks much more like a man and a wife spending their lives together for a common cause than Christians who “date” God when it is spiritually convenient.”

*****

For a week now, the random word “beloved” has been ringing through my mind…

*****

Tie all of this together and what do you get?

If Susan Isaacs had to take God to see a therapist for their marriage…

Then I think God is taking ME to pre-marital counseling!

And it’s sorta overwhelming. Uncharted territory. Because honestly, I have no idea what people talk about in pre-marital counseling. My only experience with it was a book I bought for Todd and I after we got back together and was under the assumption we were moving in that direction. But it turned out to be a bust.

What are the particular topics discussed? I imagine something like finances, family, career goals, role expectations…do God and I share any of the same opinions on any of these issues? Oh, and of course, sex…we all know God and I have been discussing that one a lot lately.

And it’s like I just saw clearly – have I ever really sat down and discussed with God my views on these subjects? Or had an open conversation about them and listened to what He might have to say?

As I mentioned before, I tend to do things my own way…and often, on my own.

But honestly, is premarital counseling with God such a ludicrous idea? How else do two people come together as one?

…my beloved…do I even know Him as such?

Immanuel

2009-09-04T10:08:00.006-04:00

Our God is with us.

These words have been echoing in my mind for days now. How true it is. How REAL this is in my own life.

But these past couple of days I have also been considering the alternative.

What if God WASN’T with us?

I mean, really. What IF?

I honestly couldn’t imagine it. His presence is THAT ingrained in me. He is THAT real to me. Every second of every day. So much so that I cannot even fathom the alternative.

I am not a person who buys into the idea that we can ever get away from God. I don’t care what we do. We cannot dissuade His pursuit of us. Call me delusional. But I think that is where GIOTGU came from in the first place.

Because I can look back on every moment of my life: the tragedies, the mistakes, the moments when I am the ugliest of the uglies – and He is there in all of it. Not standing outside the door to keep His distance, not shaking His head in disapproval, not scorning me when I reach out to Him because my filth might contaminate Him.

He is always right next to me.

Just loving me for all that I am. Screwed up and human.

He doesn’t just love me when I am all put together and desirable. He loves me for better or for worse. I cannot become repulsive to Him, no matter what I do.

I keep thinking about what I have been blogging here recently about my struggle with sex. And how a few months ago He asked me if I loved Him – and I couldn’t answer Him because I knew how deep He was digging. All I could pray was, "Lord, please make it so."

And I still can’t answer Him. But He’s here with me. He’s walking alongside me through all of this. And He’s digging, that’s for sure!

But He is no further away from me right now in this current mess than He would be if I was in His arms praising His glory with every breath of my life. He is still right here. As close as ever. Granted, sometimes He is a smart ass, but in its own twisted way that is perfectly suited to my quirky self, because it proves to me He loves me. and understands me.

Today I spent the entire day lying on the couch, nursing a nasty sinus infection, and reading THE SHACK. I didn’t think I’d actually be able to stomach the entire book, but I must admit that closing the final pages had me wrapped up in the gentle patience of God. It reiterated to me that God is always with me. Always.

Even if this current struggle takes me a lifetime to battle. He’s here. And He isn’t going anywhere. He told me to take all the time I needed.

Because He is with me.

And I don’t know how all of this works out into some sort of systematic theology – because we all know I am no theologian!

All I know is that He is here.

God is with us.

Immanuel.

relentless/relenting

2009-09-04T09:16:00.004-04:00

b and i corresponded a little this morning via email. in response to my blogs. her timely words made me cry :) and she brought up some stuff i've been keeping to myself...

this is where i am today: as i have mentioned previously in my blog, God and i have been going over this stuff for months now. most of that is archived in my blog, but there is one thing that he told me that i have kept to myself...because it is SO clear that i cannot deny it's true...but if i tell people, then i won't be able to discard it when convenient. you know i'll be "accountable" to it and all - ugh.

but what the hell, huh? he's not letting me win this thing anyway, so i ought as well spill it. much of what God and i discuss is that there is a better way. my way is selfish and destructive and is just going to keep me trapped in this psychotic mess (which i've always known) and His way is the way to my dream - the thing my heart longs for. he is VERY specific about what that road looks like. he leaves nothing to my imagination - nothing vague. which i should be thankful for i guess. but his is not the carefree, easy way. not at all. it requires dying to myself. it means he gets control of me. so i've been hesitating. and he's been reiterating to me what my heart cries out for. because even though it is hard to ignore him, i still manage sometimes - but to ignore my heart, i can't do it. it just feels all wrong.

i'm getting better with this whole submission thing...i promise.

and he has been patient with me. and the one thing he said to me that keeps ringing through my soul is that the sex thing and the GIOTGU thing are connected. although it would be SO convenient to disconnect them so i could live like the world but still have my dream, he says no. he wont allow it. and i undertand why. but he also said that i am created for marriage (because i had begun to doubt it) and that the man i marry will come along the GIOTGU road....

now you have to understand something about my history to understand why this completely knocked me upside the head and stunned me into silence. in that moment, he spoke directly into the depths of my heart. because the one vision i have always had about my future marriage is a scene i heard described in college. i don't even remember the guy's name or why he was invited to speak to our class - but he described his love life as follows: he was running along the path God had designed him for and somewhere along the road he looked over and a girl was running next to him. she became his wife. i cannot express to you how deeply that struck my heart. it was so simple, but a light bulb went off and my heart exclaimed - YES! THAT'S WHAT I WANT!

so when he phrased it in THAT specific way "he will come along the GIOTGU road..." my heart was flooded.

but has ANY man i've ever dated been running on the same road as me? nope! and that is honestly why i bail. because i know he doesn't fit.

so yeah, i try to NOT believe him. because that is easier. but he won't shut up about it. so slowly but surely, he is breaking me down. it is still a day to day thing, sometimes a moment by moment thing, but he isn't relenting...i guess that's my job, not his. to relent.

intentional

2009-09-03T08:17:00.007-04:00

it has really struck me lately how much of my life occurs NOT by accident. all major twists and turns in my life, when i look back, have been intentional. more often than not, i contemplate where i want to be or what i want to do and then i set off in that direction. now granted, sometimes that direction changes and alters a bit and very often things happen to me along that road that i could never have predicted or even wished for - but i was on that road because i chose to be on that road, not because i took some mistaken detour.

i am just not one of those people who LETS life happen to them...or waits around waiting for life to begin. i am not programmed to wander aimlessly. more often than not, i MAKE it happen. i find out what i want and i go after it. of course, it doesn't always look all professional and top of the line. but i still go after what i want.

recently, i have become more and more aware of how true this is in ALL of my life decisions: the good, the bad, and the ugly.

a few weeks ago at cheryl's birthday party we were all sitting around talking about stuff - laughing and teasing one another. somehow my sex life came into the conversation (as it often does) and jimi made a comment about me getting drunk and having one night stands. and i thought for a second and just honestly responded, "you know, i have NEVER done that. i've never had sex after drinking...and i technically have never been drunk anyway."

and then kyoung pipes up, "yeah, so what she is saying is that she is fully conscious of the decision she is making when she has sex."

and that statement struck me as very poignant at the time, and it has stayed with me. because it is true. i can never chock up one of my sexipades to a night of drunken stupidity. i am fully aware of what i am doing when i do it. i make the conscious choice. every. single. time.

and it's not even that i have had a lot of partners. or that this has been going on for years. because honestly, the heat of my battle with it kicked in just last summer. somehow i gave up one inch of my self control...and here i am, now, miles and miles away from where i was just a year ago.

but i digress. back to my point.

so let me be completely honest. i had a proposition for sex this week. it was a very tempting proposition. i had basically made up my mind to do. it came about on monday after i wrote my baby gate post. by tuesday morning i was begging candi to talk me out of it. her first question was "do you really want me to talk you out of it?" i defeatedly said yes...because i knew that if she didn't even try, i wouldn't be able to do it myself.

so she literally spent 2 hours on AIM trying to do what i asked. it worked. for that day.

but by wednesday, i was considering it again. that may disgust some of you. but it's the truth. i literally fight against this thing on a daily basis. sometimes it's an easy decision to make. sometimes it isn't. this week has been the fiercest it's ever been.

i'm sure a lot of people will think i'm insane for sharing this on the internet - that it's too personal...or too damning...however you may see it. but it's a real thing in my life. and if i don't share it openly, i'll just lie about it. and i don't want to lie about it.

i sometimes wish i could just not take sex so seriously. i blame the new testament on this one. paul and his whole "do not defile the marriage bed" dogma - a new testament line of thinking that somehow creeped its way into my psyche. that, in and of itself, is disturbing! ha. but seriously, i often think to myself, why can't i just accept the world's opinion that casual sex is normal - we all have needs. to put it crudely, "we all have an itch that needs to be scratched." but deep inside, i cannot convince myself that this is true. deep down, i know it is worth more.

so that's where a lot of my battle between flesh and spirit stems.

and i am not discrediting the role of God in all of this. he is always in my head talking me through it too, reminding me of what he has told me over and over again about the dream, about the consequences...

but sometimes my flesh screams out a lot louder...

as candi was talking me out of it on tuesday, it became so obvious to me that i cannot do this alone. i talked about my flimsy little baby gate earlier this week. and that's exactly what it is. i can feel the instability of it, even as i sit myself inside it. and the only thing that made it feel ANY stronger was to have candi know what i was really struggling with - with all of the nasty, ugly details. i guess because that made me feel somewhat accountable - that someone knew what was going on inside.

i actually hate that word. "accountability." makes me feel so weak and needy. but i've been reading a blog this week of some random chick who lives on the other side of the country and her thoughts on accountability have challenged me. so i am submitting to the possibility that it is a good idea...sorta.

and granted, i might not be brave enough to share the struggle with EVERYONE until after the fact, as i am now. NOT that the battle is in any way over. but i pray i might be brave and courageous enough to be honest.

so if i randomly come running to you and abruptly spill my struggle all over your doorstep...

i just pray my disaster doesn't make you shut the door in my face...

because i think i need you guys.

signed, sealed, and delivered

2009-08-31T18:09:00.003-04:00

ok, honestly. this will be the last time i gloat. hehe :) just wanted to offer you proof that this thing is REAL!

my baby gate

2009-08-31T08:18:00.002-04:00

i might need to be locked up in a padded room until my hormones settle down....do they EVER settle down? kyoung, will you come with me?

sigh.

i am going to say this and i am going to be real about it and it isn't going to be pretty because, well, because i suck at controlling myself when it comes to boys.

and i am an attention whore, which just makes it worse because that gives me TWO things i have to battle instead of just one.

i know, no surprise to any of you.

it amazes me how much my flesh really does war against my spirit.

i am trying to make good decisions. but it sucks because it is a moment by moment sort of thing. i can't seem to just MAKE the decision ONCE and then be strong enough to keep it. in fact, it's like 30 seconds later and i am already on the fence again. so i feel like i am having to keep making the SAME decision over and over again - sorta like studying hebrew vocab in my head - i just have to keep going over the RIGHT decision in my head, training myself to choose wisely. it is exhausting. no wonder people act stupid so often, it's easier.

it seems that the only way i can be consistent is if i lock myself away somewhere where boys cannot see or talk to me. but since that isn't quite feasible in the real world, i AM trying to guard myself. right now, that amounts to clumsily constructing some sort of defense around me that has the protective strength of a baby gate.

and it's one of the wooden kinds, not the sturdy iron ones you can bolt into the wall. it's flimsy and could very easily be knocked over by a random 55-pound high-energy weimaraner running through the house...or it could very possibly just fall over by the slightest wind...or in the next 4 minutes i might just stand up and step outside it myself. i do not feel very protected by it at all. and i don't trust myself.

but i'm trying. moment by moment.

epiphany #2

2009-08-25T12:08:00.009-04:00

i don't want to sound redundant and say that i had another epiphany, but i sorta did, so...here it is.

over the past year or so as GIOTGU has sorta morphed from a giant blob in my head to something that actually wears skin and moves and breathes in real time, i have randomly struggled with some issues of self. for a long while i have been completely confident in my identity - that i have been specifically created for this purpose, so i wasn't really struggling in that regard.

but when it came to trying to envision what path to take to make GIOTGU what i dreamed - specifically in regards to coming across as someone worthy enough to speak in front of crowds of people, i began to struggle. being convinced that i wanted to target college students - and trying to devise some sort of plan to get my foot in that door, i questioned whether the people in charge of college students would even consider me - especially since i do not fit the good little southern baptist christian cookie-cutter mold anymore....

and with that, i felt like i had to cover up who i really am...or hide/censor the real me....in order to be accepted.

and then there was facebook - where i could connect with all kinds of old friends and acquaintances from college. friends and acquaintances who have thriving ministries and churches (more avenues that could be utilized to get GIOTGU out there), but again, i felt the pressure of having to be the carol from college - the carol they would all remember - for surely, SHE was worthy of being accepted. she had her entire world nice and neatly put together.

and again, i struggled with the feeling that i had to hide or cover up or censor the real me....the one that i am in the here and now, the one who has been radically stripped and reclothed over the last ten years.

so over and over again this past year, God just kept reminding me that GIOTGU is about being real. it's about a freedom to question and wrestle and not necessarily ever having all the answers. it's about being a mess and human and not at all put together the "right" way...and still being accepted...no, more than accepted - PURSUED and DESIRED by God.

and it was only recently, like last week, that i finally understood that applied to MY life also. my life is a walking representation of what i see in the God/man story, of what GIOTGU is all about. and it's beautiful. and messy. and not at all cookie-cutter.

and i was finally ok with myself - crazy and quirky and tall and unworthy.

along these same lines, i was also encouraged by an anne lamott quote. she says that she always encourages her writing students and fellow writers to write what they would hope to find one day in a book store - what their own hearts would dare hope to read and embrace as the reader - and then to write THAT.

and that is exactly what GIOTGU is for me. and that realized truth is exhilarating!

epiphany

2009-08-19T08:52:00.000-04:00

Well, I know most of you won’t believe this, but this morning a New Testament story resonated with me! I know, I know. It’s ridiculous. I won’t let it happen again. Sorry.

But I was listening to Rick McKinley’s sermon series on the prodigal son. And he said something that truly stuck out to me in direct relation to what I have been pouring out here on this blog.

By going his own way, by leaving his home, the son was trying to find his identity apart from his father. THAT IS ME!!! That’s what I’ve been doing. For years, I have been trying to define myself apart from my beloved….and it just isn’t possible. He is too much a part of who I am.

I cannot tell you how many times I was overcome with tears after sex. One of the guys just began to expect it. But I cried because EVERY time the same thought would just go through my head: “This is not who I am. This is not who I am.”

Other people might be able to do this and be happy, but for me, it is not who I am. And my true identity is so deeply ingrained in me that I cannot deny it. Trust me, I’ve tried.

So I think I am finally ready to go home.
And rest.
In Him.

getting specific

2009-08-18T08:40:00.010-04:00

cheryl always complains that i am too vague in my blogs. that i never really offer details about what i'm going through. i can't help it. i often think it is more poetic to be cryptic.

but here i am - exposed.

grace unravels me
i never really know what to do with it because i cant control it. in high school i was a black and white christian. every thought and action fell into one or the other category. there was no grey. no inbetween. being a person who likes order and plans and detail and organization, i honestly loved that life. i was good at it. i had defined lines about what sort of behavior was ok and what was not. i didn't cuss or drink or listen to secular music or watch rated R movies. i definitely never even considered having sex before i got married. my goal in life was to remain pure - in both mind and body. straight-laced - that was me. and i liked that about myself.

in college, it was more of the same, but now my faith truly became my own. i fell in love with jesus during college. i became a loner. even though i was surrounded by people of like-minded faith, there were many. many days and nights of just me and Him - as if we lived in a happy bubble. and that's what college allowed you - a flexible schedule, freedom to explore, my personal little 4 year sabbatical to just immerse myself in God. the whole college experience was like a neverending summer church camp. but i would never go back and change a thing about those 4 years of my life. i came to truly know God. to trust Him and His goodness. it's where i experienced His fullness and was overwhelmed to discover He had chosen me for a specific purpose.

but after college, my happy little organized life began to fall apart. i wasn't prepared for the real world. i wasn't prepared to venture out of my safe bubble. and i think the one event that i look back on as a huge turning point in my life was the first time i had sex. and the resulting sex drive that ensued. it was like waking up an animal inside me. an animal that i couldn't really control. i could write an entire blog just about the things i have learned about myself through those experiences...and maybe i will...but for now, for the purpose of this blog, i just brought it up to say that it was the first moment in my life that i needed grace. that i had to embrace grace - or rather let grace embrace me - because it was the first time i recognized that i was truly screwed up.

but i don't look back on that experience as negative. i actually embrace it because in that moment, everything i had always thought about who i was came tumbling down around me. i was NOT that girl from high school. i was NOT the girl from college. i didn't know who i was anymore. i couldn't fit myself into any sort of category. and no matter how hard i tried, i could never get myself back to that place of safety and comfortability.

and i have been living in messy grace ever since.

which i still do not enjoy. because it is still very hard for me to accept that i don't have it all together - that i don't have this life thing figured out. i cannot even express how uncomfortable it is for me.

i can't even come close to grasping grace. and yet, i know i couldn't live without it. it's messy and disorganized and i can never figure out how to control it or define it into exact terms. it just moves and flows and is beautiful and cannot be contained.

i don't like feeling messy. i prefer to have my life organized, to have definite answers for everything. i like to be consistent. and i think that's what makes me feel crazy all the time. because i don't feel consistent.

last night cindy and i drove to greensburg, indiana to meet up with jack for dinner - an old friend from high school that i hadn't seen in 10 years. one thing i love about certain friends i have is that i can go years without seeing them and when we get back together, we pick right back up where we left off. no awkwardness, no weird tension. just good friends hanging out. it's a good feeling to have that deep connection with people.

we talked about all kinds of stuff - all of which brought together everything i am dealing with in life. full circle. my fears about ministry, about being rejected, about not being enough, about not having things "together" enough to be able to make a difference in anyone's life, it terrifies me.

this is my constant battle. of desiring so deeply to be real - because i know anything less is just useless, stupid, and a waste of time. but then scared to death that people will disown me because i am so utterly screwed up. i don't know how to rest in grace. to just be.

because in my mind, i have this complex about being blameless. because being blameless makes me feel in control. and worthy i guess.

and He wants me to submit. He wants me to give myself over to Him. because the dream cannot happen unless i do.

but to give up control to HIm now, i fear that He will take me back and turn me into who i used to be - and i don't want to be her anymore. but yet, i can't fathom who He'd create inside me if it's not who i have already been. does that make sense?

but i trust Him too. so its weird.

so for months now i have been fighting with Him about making this choice because these fears are so real to me. and because He won't let me go halfway. it's all or nothing. He is very clear about that.

and i want Him.

it's just hard.

on me being crazy....

2009-08-17T15:01:00.002-04:00

these conversations took place immediately following my previous post.

Ceb2song: GOD makes me feel like a CRAZY person!!!!
doobscoot: why?
Ceb2song: because i argue with him
Ceb2song: i'm like a nutcase who has arguments with some crazy smartass in my head
Ceb2song: and i cant control the smartass in my head so i always lose the arguments
Ceb2song: and i dont like losing arguments
Ceb2song: esp to smartasses in my head!
doobscoot: hm, yeah, i can see how that would make you feel like a crazy person.
Ceb2song: ha - quit laughing at me
doobscoot: not sure crazy is the right word, but its definantly not "sane" in a medical sense.

angelovesjc: well, you are crazy
angelovesjc: might as well come to terms
Ceb2song: you arent helping
angelovesjc: what?
angelovesjc: it's ok to be crazy
angelovesjc: it's just like your tallness
angelovesjc: as soon as you come to terms with that, embrace it not as a problem, but just a part of who you are, you're able to relax
angelovesjc: you just have to embrace craziness like you embrace tallness
Ceb2song: that almost made sense
Ceb2song: except no one institutionalizes me for being tall
angelovesjc: i was making a cloaked insult at you and your stupid tallness
Ceb2song: i know - i caught that
Ceb2song: ha

the man is insane

2009-08-17T14:26:00.003-04:00

and by man, i mean god.

Him: Well Carol if you're so distraught about it anyway, why don't you try something else.
Me: I'm listening
Him: Instead of flirting with the boys, why don't you try praying for them all?
Me: Humph. That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard....(long pause - in which He just lets His words sink in a little bit).....

I rebel - No! too much sacrifice. i don't trust them anyway so why should i care that much? flirting keeps me guarded. protects me. why should i open up my heart like that for any of them? It'll just be more heartache....(long pause - during which He is silent and like the clever little smartass that He is - just lets the truth I have known for years about who He is, what is important in life, the heart of prayer - all these things just pummel me).....

I argue more - Besides, what's in it for me? You're asking me to invest myself into something that is good for them, no immediate gratification for me.....No! It's not fair.....(another long pause - more of Him letting me hear my own heart's deep cry - the one I try to smother in order to protect myself from getting hurt anymore)....

Me: Can I start with Chaddy? At least I like HIM.
HIm: Sure. Go for it.
Me: (me rolling my eyes) Fine. Jerk.

tired musings

2009-08-14T07:49:00.004-04:00

there is no guarantee that the dreams we dream will come true.

who am i to think i am an exception? or that MY dream even matters in the grand scheme of things?

is my dream even worthy of being fulfilled? its not like i am solving poverty or saving dying people in some third world country...

i think about brian. he had so much obvious talent and potential. even if he had pursued that route in life, he still died. he accomplished nothing outstanding in life...and yet he touched so many lives. just by being himself, he changed mine.

and my dad. nothing more than average any day of his life. but i wouldn't be who i am if he had never existed.

so what is the freaking purpose of dreams anyway?

and what makes a life outstanding in the first place?

i'm just tired. physically. it seems to happen every 8-9 weeks. just hits me hard. i hate it.

i get so tired of feeling all alone in how i see life...and how i feel like He wants me to live it....so sometimes i simply don't. i choose otherwise. and am always sadly disappointed. because what i desire isn't there. sometimes i wish He'd be more vague...not so demanding...not so damn possessive of me...so then i can play - like the rest of the world seems to be enjoying so much....

i don't regret anything i've done in life. i've learned from every experience - no matter how misguided they might have been.

i think i just feel broken right now....and sense the need to be even more broken....

He asked me the other day, "am i enough for you? do you want Me more than you want the dream?"

if there was no dream. if there was no true love, no marriage and happiness and fulfillment...would He alone be enough for me?

i think He used to be....

but i don't know if i can say that with certainty anymore.

but i also know He won't let me be happy with anything else...so damn possessive.

i have so many questions...and insecurities...and fears....about not being enough, about being rejected, about disappointing everyone, about truly letting Him control my life....what would it look like if i didn't know where it was going???

what does normal even look like? and do i want to be normal?

i am tired of being tired. i am tired of having my heart broken. i am tired of being fearful. i am tired of second guessing myself. i am tired of not just being content being me.

2009-08-13T09:01:00.002-04:00

donald miller is stalking me.

i'm not kidding.

he showed up in my dream again last night.

but this time, i was racing around trying to find something to wear to work and everything was dirty and i was running late.

and he thought i was a nutcase :)

the odd thing about all of this is that i haven't even been thinking about the man while i'm AWAKE, so why the hell is he sneaking into my dreams! weirdo!

2009-08-12T08:25:00.002-04:00

i had a dream about donald miller last night.

we were just hanging out.

he thought i was super cool.

was there ever any doubt? :)

my demons

2009-08-06T08:48:00.002-04:00

If demons are sent into this world to torment and afflict us, to make us feel defeated and worthless, then these two are mine. They make a remarkable tag-team.

I was very proud of myself yesterday. It was 10:30am and I had been writing myself into a frenzy. Had pushed through a page and a half of rewrite. 10 paragraphs! Relishing in this rare moment of being "in the zone."

Candi comes to visit me.

Me: I'm a beast! I've written 10 paragraphs in less than 2 hours!!!!!
Her: Eh, doesn't really matter. Elisabeth will cut it all down to one.

End of conversation.
Knife in the heart.
I mull over her comment for a while and then notice this strange uneasiness creeping into my psyche.
So I IM Elisabeth about what Candi had said.
I was looking for a little affirmation, a cheerleader to encourage me on.

She shrugs it off as no big deal.
I comment, "I all of a sudden feel writers block coming on..."
Her: Why?
Me: Because Candi basically said that all of my hard work is useless.
Her: No...She simply stated that 9/10 of your work is useless.

Geez. Thanks.

Demons, I tell ya!

begging

2009-08-04T10:47:00.001-04:00

I prayed this prayer yesterday:

"Please God, don't let my heart turn cold and numb. Please."

and i've been on the verge of tears all day today.

do you think its all connected?

maybe He heard me.

being a girl

2009-07-30T11:06:00.003-04:00

ok, so how fucked up is this?

i don't trust boys. don't believe a damn word they say. none of them. i think they are all full of shit.

this irritates me.

i TRY to believe them. but then their words and their actions clash and my skepticism sets in.

maybe i just meet all the wrong guys.

or maybe I expect too much?

i think it is funny that people think i am brave for being so willing to trust God - asking Him to take over my life and all. whereas I think it is the easy way out. I think trusting a man is WAY more dangerous. at least with God, I know He isn't going to hurt me or emotionally scar me for life!! even if what He asks of me is painful, I know He is good, that His intentions are pure, that He isn't just out for Himself. I can handle that. I'd run to Him over a boy any day!

Because God is safe.

And my heart is tired of being enticed, played with, and then dumped.

Aren't I worth more than that?

war with myself

2009-07-28T09:44:00.004-04:00

This week I am struggling. I have been replaying a Rick McKinley sermon over and over again - praying to God that it seeps into my heart and transforms me somehow. Because I feel very weak right now. And Rick is always good at kicking my ass.

"It is a STUPID thing to have God as your jealous lover and to cheat on Him. Just a BAD idea.
It's not scary that He'll beat you up. What's scary is that He can give your heart over to itself. We forget how incapable we are of transforming our own lives.
Don't play games with grace.
Don't play games with God's love. He gave up His life to love you. Don't blow HIm off. Don't treat Him like the lazy dumb guy in the back of the room who doesn't know what's going on.
Don't be that arrogant - because its the same arrogance that Israel got rejected for.
KNOW that God's love is bound up in a severity - that you and He are united - that you and He are one. Be attracted to Him. But don't just desire - ASPIRE. Too much of our spiritual lives are caught up in wanting, but never CHOOSING. We all have to choose."

...sigh...

I love this guy!

2009-07-21T12:02:00.000-04:00

"Write everyday. Line by line, page by page, hour by hour. Do this despite fear. For above all else, beyond imagination and skill, what the world asks of you is courage. Courage to risk rejection, ridicule and failure. As you follow the quest for stories told with meaning and beauty, study thoughtfully, but write boldly. Then, like the hero of the fable, your dance will dazzle the world.” –Robert Mckee

chaddy's birthday

2009-07-20T11:16:00.016-04:00

I hadn't been putt-putting in YEARS! But when Chaddy says that's what he wants to do for his birthday, I comply :) And we had a blast!

The course was sorta plain - no giant windmills or scary plastic clowns trying to devour your golfball. So halfway through the course, Chad decided to become an obstacle himself.

**This pic doesn't do it justice - just envision his arms sweeping around like a windmill.

I think we all suffer from ADD because we had to eventually start coming up with new ways to putt each hole because 8 people taking turns takes FOREVER!
So we decided to go all at once.

And thus, madness ensues!

nothing but a good time

2009-07-16T15:45:00.015-04:00

Let me just say, the Poison/Def Leppard concert was a blast. The music, the weather, the crazy maniacs I went with, the outdoor Riverbend arena - all added into the perfect elements of a great time.

And I was shocked that Poison put on a better rock show than Def Leppard. So, give it up for Mr. Michaels (whom I affectionately call Candi's man whore. And I was glad we were on the lawn - far enough away that I had no chance of catching anything from him - Ha!)

Besides the plethora of men and women decked out in tight jean shorts and 80's mullet wigs (who are worth the experience in and of themselves), here are some of the more amusing moments: Halfway through the night, Candi heads off to get more beer and I ask her to grab me a water.

She comes back looking like this:

Double fisted. With a smirky grin on her face she extends one to me.

I cock my head and give her a "Did you seriously forget my water?" look.
She shrugs her shoulders and simply responds, "They were out of water." And then she laughs.
I give her another dirty "You are such a brat" look and she pipes up, "It's very refreshing."

So I say WTH and I take one and this is what ensues:

Nope. She was wrong, NOT refreshing at all. Do you like my "nasty beer" face? Hehe.

And THIS guy had WAY too much to drink.

See his girlfriend there in the green shirt? She had to hold him up the entire night while he thrashed around with his wild dance moves. He fell down often. It was entertaining.

Good times. Oh, and there are tons of concert pics on Facebook as well.

watch your mouth!

2009-07-15T08:12:00.002-04:00

God called me a whore last night.

well, TECHNICALLY He said He wasn't going to let me whore around after other lovers.

The whole concept feels very Old Testamenty.

And edgy.

I liked it. :)

random things

2009-07-13T15:46:00.003-04:00

my knee is acting funky. it hurts. i don't know what i did to it. doesn't stop me from running though. i just went and bought a knee brace to relieve the pain. STOP FALLING APART STUPID BODY O' MINE!

i spent 4 hours this morning IMing Candi all about Brad. seriously.

Elisabeth called me "so dramatic" today. I don't think that has ever been said about me in my entire life...and I don't know how I feel about it.

I am listening to songs about death today. research.

Harry Potter is Friday, I am super stoked. Twilight cannot even compare.

oh, and Aaron the security guard FINALLY started talking to me today - after 6 weeks of me nagging him through other people. Come to find out, he has a lot to say. A LOT! He is VERY entertaining. Lots of funny stories. Happy day.

i think i have a complex

2009-07-10T09:25:00.007-04:00

it's not always a fun thing to self-evaluate. for many, many years i refused to do it. psychoanalysis mumbo jumbo. blah.

but i am a complete mess emotionally right now. and believe it or not, i feel like my self-esteem is totally out of whack.

i know i always come off so self assured and confident. and 95% of the time, i truly am. i am confident in my skills and in where i am going. i am confident in the path God has perfectly designed for me.

my insecurities come into play when it comes to boys. i could get personal and blame specific boys, but that's not what this is about really. because what i struggle with bleeds out in all of them, not just one.

a variety of things recently have brought this stuff full circle for me. as i look back over past relationships, i don't recognize myself. how did i become this person? when did i start compromising who i am to please someone else- to fit a mold i presume they want me to be. its not always HUGE things. it starts out small, but piece by piece,it adds up. i don't think i always did that? did i????

as far as i can tell. i only do this in boy relationships. for the most part, i think i am honest with friends. i am my true self around them. they know me and know me well...oftentimes more than i am comfortable with :) but with boys, i think i shove my real self into the corner because i fear they will walk away because they will discover that i am not enough...or not good enough.

i've gone through the whole gamet of possibilities. if they knew the REAL me, would my intelligence intimidate them? if they knew all that i wanted out of life and EXACTLY how focused i am on accomplishing that, would they find me too ambitious? do i simply come off as too independent to need or want a guy? am i too stubborn? and sometimes i think my medical issues just scare everyone off!

am i crazy? are these fears every woman has? is this a universal issue with guys? or am i all alone here?

chaddy says its because i can't find a guy good enough. not that i am hard to please, but that it is seriously going to be hard to find a guy good enough for ME - because i am so awesome (gotta love chaddy)

maybe he is just feeding my ego, but i think maybe he is right. at least in some way. i DO know what i want. and i haven't found it yet. and even though i find myself compromising myself in relationships, i do have to admit that i have a track record. i will date a guy seriously, often for long periods of time, but then it abruptly ends. most often, i honestly spend the entire relationship looking over the guy and saying, "yeah i could live with that." but when it comes down to the wire and i have moments where i am completely honest with myself and who i am, i have to end it - because i KNOW deep down that the guy isn't right for me. and that i wouldn't be able to live life with him the way i dream it should be.

and above ALL else, i SO want the dream.

not that i really have ANY clue what that dream looks like. i think i will just KNOW when it happens. and up to now, i haven't KNOWN. i've just played the role hoping that one day that KNOWING would kick in.

it hasn't yet.

conspiracy

2009-07-08T12:16:00.001-04:00

where do you people come from? and why are you so mean to me?

Another convo from today:

candazzlyn: what are you doing up there??????
Ceb2song: arguing with e
candazzlyn: she's right
candazzlyn: you're wrong
candazzlyn: solved

instigator

2009-07-08T10:01:00.001-04:00

sometimes i greatly enjoy being "girlfriend #2" - but i should know by now that elisabeth will always have the last word. always.

here is our funny conversation from this morning:
Ceb2song: chaddy is going to write a song for me
angelovesjc: WHAT!
Ceb2song: has he ever done that for you :P
angelovesjc: I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO GET HIM TO WRITE ME A SONG FOR OVER 5 YEARS
Ceb2song: dont yell at me
Ceb2song: and dont yell at him either
Ceb2song: my song is for jesus
Ceb2song: so its in a completely different category
angelovesjc: whatever, jesus isn't even in the old testament

i laughed. a lot!

Tuesday's OT Rant

2009-07-07T09:17:00.003-04:00

Why do so many people seem to think that my friend Abe wasn't a monotheist? Or that he wasn't a Yahweh worshipper before he took his long trip into Canaan?

Why is his FAITH so important to our story if he basically just one day said, "Hey strange God whom i've never met before. You want me to leave everything I know and go....somewhere You'll eventually show me? Sure, what the hell!"

That isn't faith. That's insanity. He'd just be a nutcase. There is no way anyone can rationalize that behavior into something we should admire. Because it has no substance.

But if you begin the Abe story where IT ACTUALLY BEGINS - in chapter 11 - then our understanding is altogether different. Because the narrator begins with a genealogy. He introduces Abe inside the context of a long line of men who worshipped Yahweh. A genealogy that traces from Adam to Seth to Noah to Shem to Abe. That is WHY that genealogy exists.

And I personally think Abe's story is much more compelling if he has already had a long history with this God who now wants him to leave his comfortable home and trust Him enough to go to a place "I will show you." Everything in Abe's story is about believing the word of the LORD even though his circumstances show no evidence that God can accomplish His promises. But Abe DOES believe. He DOES trust, He DOES follow his God.

That's the beauty of his story - that he has walked with God his entire life, so he KNOWS Him, he trusts Him. And even though God's directives are vague and a little cryptic, Abe is intimately acquainted with Him just enough to say, "Ok, this doesn't make sense, but I trust You."

This is not to say that his journey was easy - not at all! Because at every new turn, Abe has to keep repeating, "OK, this doesn't make sense, but I trust You."

Baby steps.

Heck, I'd flip out if God was so vague with me - "Go to a place I'll eventually show you" - you mean, You aren't even going to give me a hint of which direction to head in? I don't know how long it would take me to come to terms with that word enough to even move out of a shocked and terrified standstill! And I've been following this God for most of my life! I know Him. I trust Him. But that command/request would still be challenging.

And Abe's willingness to trust his God encourages me. Because God is faithful and true to His word. Abe is living proof.

So yeah, please don't rob Abe of his history with his God. It's the most captivating aspect of his story. :)

my redneck weekend

2009-07-05T20:34:00.020-04:00

well, i had grand plans for this past 4th of july weekend. i was spending it in KY at mom's house and i decided that i was going to try to fit as much redneck activity into 4 days as i possibly could. and who better to soldier me through these new life experiences than my fabulous extended family. all boys of course. all COUNTRY boys. with COUNTRY ways of doing things. the greatest bunch of guys you will ever meet - and the funniest! and they entertained my quest for adventure, even though i was the only girl. yay!

this would mean that i took part in activities i haven't done in YEARS...and others i NEVER would have considered before.

unfortunately, the rain ruined some of my plans

BUT i can share 2 very cool ones with you

Adventure #1 - Riding the Horse
I grew up with horses. learned how to ride at age 6, but never seem to find the time to saddle up mom's while i am down there. this weekend, i made it a priority.

here i am after a good run through the pasture!

**not shown in this picture - Cousin Phil and I working for 25 minutes to get the saddle on the horse. it had been a long time since either of us had done it...so we had to pull from memory how to knot the straps....at one time or another, there seemed to be missing straps....and too many straps...and tangled straps. for those of you who have never tried to saddle a horse, don't laugh. it is an intricate process...although for most people, it only takes about 45 seconds.

Adventure #2 requires a little more detail...graphic detail, if you will
It involves this little guy. I named him Wilbur.

Here are the guys chilling out before my 2nd adventure

Here they are "practicing" and setting up for my 2nd adventure

if you haven't figured out what comes next, you might want to stop reading here...but then you'll miss all the bloody fun...

**the picture doesn't show it, but Wilbur is still twitching around on the ground here.

trust me, i am sparing you from the most disturbing pics!

and i COMPLETELY forgot to take pictures of the final product - all lathered up in BBQ sauce. i apologize for that. i was too preoccupied with how yummy he tasted :)

a conversation

2009-06-26T07:54:00.006-04:00

for some strange reason, you guys seem to enjoy my whacked out conversations with God, so i thought i'd throw you another one.

i've had a few things on my mind recently. certain things God has been speaking to my heart - things I am having a hard time believing Him on...simply because of where i am right now...and where i've been. don't know if i want to go into specifics about THAT per se, but i think i can generically communicate the gist of our conversation without seeming completely off the wall.

so we were discussing this certain thing i've been considering and i asked, "it wouldn't be SO bad, would it?"

and His response was "Carol, you don't even have a choice in the matter. it's not even about it being good or bad. it's about the fact that you gave your life to Me. therefore you are MINE. so you don't get to decide, I do."

my initial reaction was a simple "humph." partly because i didn't really know what to say about that or how to respond. and partly because i don't really like to be told i cannot do something.

and then my second reaction was "hmmm, so You took me seriously when i told you i wanted to be Yours, huh? Hmmm...interesting. wasn't sure if that was actually going to 'take' or not."

so yeah, that was my morning. still sorta chewing on the whole thing.

have i mentioned that this little number He is doing on me right now is EXTREMELY uncomfortable?!! i feel like a total crazy person!!!

GIOTGU Video

2009-06-23T08:36:00.001-04:00

what a girl wants

2009-06-22T08:01:00.002-04:00

just something simple.

like, a man who loves Jesus and wants to change the world. who isn't afraid to dream - and chase those dreams.

that's all :)

left unanswered

2009-06-14T18:41:00.003-04:00

I woke up this morning to a whisper in my ear.

“Carol, do you love Me?”

“Yes, Lord. You know I do.”

“More than everything else?”

And I had to pause.

Because I knew just how deep He was digging. I knew everything that was involved – the many hopes, dreams, and people in my life that vie for my attention and affection. And I didn’t want to answer flippantly. I wanted my answer to be the gut-honest truth.

So I didn’t answer Him.

But I did say a prayer. “Lord, please test me in this and make it so.”

my ultimatum

2009-06-14T18:17:00.003-04:00

God and I normally get along quite well. I am very familiar with His voice. I dialogue with Him frequently. The bedrock of my life is that I know He loves me and has a purpose for my life.

That being said, we’ve hit a few rough patches lately.

I know He knows me better than anyone else on the planet. I have no doubt about that. In fact, I am often in awe at how perfectly He responds to me. When I need someone to understand the ramblings of my heart, He listens. When I need to wrestle and scream and demand answers from Him, He engages me. When I need to cry, He lets me. When I need to just be held, He draws close and embraces me. He has the strongest and safest arms in all the world. And of course, He always throws in a bit of His perfect smart-ass sarcasm to make me laugh – because He knows I love to laugh.

For as long as I can remember, He has always been so gentle with me. When I come to Him in tears knowing the wrong I have done, the way I have hurt Him, He holds me. He whispers assurances to my heart of His love, of His forgiveness. And I am able to rest easy in our reconciliation.

But I have been pushing Him lately.

You see, I have this “pet sin.” I acquired it a few years ago. I call it a “pet sin” because that it exactly what it is (sin) and how I treat it (like a pet). I feed and water it. I nurture and protect it. I rub its ears and take joy in its pleasure.

And God told me to give it up.

In fact, He went one step further – He gave me an ultimatum.

This is verbatim what He said to me: “Carol, you know that I do not normally resort to these means with you, and I rarely give you ultimatums, but let Me be clear and listen to My words – you do NOT want to press Me on this issue. If you do not stop what you are doing, I WILL give all of this away to someone else. I have chosen YOU. I have set YOU apart for this purpose, for this dream – but you have to be fully Mine. No halfway. No hidden sins. You have to be the person I called you to be…and I have every intention of creating her in you, but you have to behave. You have to be Mine. Please.”

What does one say to that? How does one respond?

Honestly, I was terrified. A healthy terrified, but still terrified – because I knew He was deathly serious.

If I were to be even more honest -- Although I hate to say it, and am somewhat ashamed to admit it - on this side of the story, in this particular place and this particular heart condition of mine, it’s going to be very difficult to do what He is demanding of me.

But I want to.

So please pray for me...for my heart.

yaaawwwnnnnnn

2009-05-27T09:33:00.000-04:00

i am tired....

and stressed.

the death of me

2009-05-19T09:21:00.000-04:00

i know that no one is really going to believe me when i say this...but the past few months have really humbled me. i wonder - does even saying that out loud take away the authenticity of the humility?

who knows. all i know is i feel like i am a transforming creature on the inside. like, i can FEEL it moving and churning and turning inside. it's one of those things where i don't think i can pinpoint exactly what started it or where it's all going, i just feel the here-and-now moving of it...on the inside...rumbling.

i feel like i need to borrow katie's blogging method..........dot dot dot........

....it probably does have a little to do with what has been going on in my life for the past few months....let me tell you, it is super strange to face open heart surgery - not so much because i am scared of the surgery, but more because it's like walking into something that you know is going to radically change how you have always lived life...everything i know about how to understand my body is going to be altered...and thats a little scary - to not really know what specifically to expect from it all. it's like living in limbo - not knowing exactly what comes next. i am a planner. i like to know what is coming - i like to be prepared for those things, to be in control i guess.......so it is humbling to NOT be. and to have to rely on others.....

and undergoing surgery is also a very lonely experience...not in a bad way....and not in a way that anyone can fix or take part in. because i know that i am surrounded by super-supportive, caring, loving individuals and i am SO thankful for that. it's lonely because no one else can really go through it with me...or for me....it's MY body, it's MY health, it's MY future. it's just weird.

and then this whole GIOTGU Project has been throwing me for a constant loop....to begin 6 months ago in that mindset that i know best, that i have a plan, that this is MY baby....and then to have to let all of that control go.....because i do not know best, i do not have the plan, this is NOT my baby...and i need other people....and god, in his infinite sense of humor surrounds me with people who seem to know me better than i know myself - how the hell does that happen!!?? it is somewhat unnerving....and irritating....and hysterical...all at the same time.

so this whole journey has been challenging. i really feel like i die a little everyday. again, not in a bad way. call it whatever you want, submission......obedience....life.....i am just more aware of how the decisions i make today define who i will be tomorrow. and that matters to me. i want my life to mean something - no matter how much crushing of me that requires in the here and now. i actually want to be broken and poured out....and trust me, i have not said that to Him in a really, really, really long time......

my new heart

2009-05-08T15:06:00.002-04:00

well, i have purposely been avoiding my blog. or at least writing about this specific topic. because i hate being a medical case and i hate coming across as needy and having people all worried about me. but here is my story:

as many of you already know, i have been fighting to get this silly aorta of mine to behave, but it seems to continue to grow a few millimeters every six months. stubborn thing.

well, two weeks ago, i had my cardiologist appt. and the diameter of my aorta was measured as 4.45cm...which means we are finished trying the medicine and it is time for the next option - replacing my aorta with surgery.

yep. open heart surgery. i am 32 years old and i am going to have open heart surgery. it sounds so STRANGE to even say. but i am not freaked out. not too much at least.

i know i will survive the surgery - have no doubt about it. i am not even scared of the surgery itself, i am just repulsed by the ugly scar that remains afterwards. isn't that pathetic - ha :)

so i don't have a date set for the surgery yet. it could be 8 weeks. it could be 6 months. my cardiologist is contacting the surgeon at john hopkins in baltimore and they will decide the course of action together. so whenever i know the date, i will pass it on.

funny thing is about a month ago i wrote that entry about the 32 things i want to accomplish in my 32nd year - one of them was "find some way to shrink my aorta" i told my doctor about it and we both laughed...because well, THIS is going to accomplish that.

this will fix me so i don't have to worry about my aorta growing anymore.

so i will keep you updated...as long as no one freaks out on me :)i am the only one allowed to freak out.

Exhibit A

2009-04-09T21:07:00.005-04:00

This is why she is my "soul mate". Ha. Check out the birthday card Alisa made for me. Hysterical!!

my love-hate relationship

2009-03-16T10:21:00.001-04:00

so God and i are arguing today. we have a habit of doing that...because i am stubborn...and he is a smartass.

ugh. today we are fighting about stupid boys.

you want to know something i hate. i hate that i can't walk away from Him - that it is not even an option for me. i hate that i have no other choice but to trust Him because i won't be happy doing anything else. i hate that He has gotten himself so worked into the fiber of my being that i can't live without Him. and i hate that all of that means i have to do what He says...because i freaking know that He is always right...ugh!

because sometimes i just want to do things by myself...and not have to submit to Him....

and yet i love that He will drag me kicking and screaming to where i need to be - just because He loves me so much.

but we still wrestle. i yell at Him and He laughs at me. i argue with Him and He responds with some smartass comment that shuts me up - which just irritates me all the more!! and then slowly but surely He breaks me. i put up a good fight...well, it might be a pathetic fight, but i like to think i am fiesty.

and i do love that He lets me fight with Him.

ok. i know i am insane. and now you know too. ha!

31 Things at Age 31

2009-03-05T13:44:00.016-05:00

Since I am still technically 31, I guess I should do this list for this year as well. It takes a slightly different tone since it is looking back, but still a good exercise. And despite what you might think, these lists are VERY difficult to create!

1. Attended a writing conference
2. Traveled to Boston
3. Finally decided upon a career path
4. Got my dream job at dock3
5. Joined EHarmony and succumbed to the whole internet dating fad
6. I read the TWILIGHT saga - all 4 1/2 books
7. Started a facebook profile
8. Made lots of poor relationship decisions
9. Saw NKOTB in concert
10. Saw Britney Spears in concert
11. Got my 4th tattoo
12. Discovered I have a strong aversion to 95% of Egyptian males
13. Lost my soulmate roommate - who was replaced by a psycho lunatic who got dramatically kicked out of our house - and was then replaced by FIVE new roomies
14. Received my $10,000 writing award in the mail
15. Paid off my car
16. Proudly voted for Obama.
17. Started GIOTGU: The Project
18. Read through a very diverse book plan
19. Made some very good new friends
20. Reconnected with some very good old friends
21. Went from working 30 hours a week at one job to 50 hours a week at two jobs
22. Broke more hearts than I care to mention
23. Struggled with lots of big life decisions: career, health, job, book, school, relationships. TOUGH stuff to work through.
24. Took the GRE...twice. Not something I like to remember.
25. Finally got good health insurance that didn't cost me any appendages!
26. Began a monthly ritual that I absolutely adore: WWE pay-per-views at the Bird house
27. Got as close to drunk as I ever plan to be. Yuck!
28. Saw my boys, Family Force 5 in concert
29. Decided to never ride Son of the Beast ever again...for the rest of my life!
30. Became a fan of Joe Boyd
31. I would like to think that I became a better writer

32 Things at Age 32

2009-03-05T13:13:00.014-05:00

OK so I TOTALLY stole this idea from Cindy's blog. I told her we should've started these things 10 years ago - the older we get, the harder it is to come up with so many freaking things!

1. Go to Cornerstone & Ichthus
2. Stay consistent with my debt plan
3. Launch GIOTGU website
4. Develop enough of a GIOTGU following to warrant a legitimate street-team
5. Manage to book at least five GIOTGU speaking engagements
6. Visit little sis in Australia
7. Learn how to play frisbee golf
8. Go Whitewater rafting
9. U2 concert
10. Stay true to my Reading Plan of 24 books in 12 months
11. Learn more about submission...or do it more often - whichever works
12. Commit one day a month for the benefit/joy/service of someone else
13. Take more pictures with friends and family
14. Write, write, write
15. Go to Cedar Point
16. Become a more generous person
17. Watch PASSION OF THE CHRIST
18. Stretch/Improve/Challenge my storytelling writing skills
19. Find some way to decrease the size of my aorta :)
20. Go to a NFL game
21. Get at least halfway done with my book rewrite
22. Begin writing Exodus/Numbers
23. Use my new dental and vision insurance to its fullest :)
24. Not go into debt to keep GIOTGU Project afloat
25. Try something completely new that I never would have thought to do on my own
26. Pray more
27. Let those I love know how much I truly appreciate them
28. Be present for the big events in the lives of those I love
29. Play more
30. Stay fit
31. Watch my friends and family succeed
32. Train/calm my dog...am I reaching too much now?

how did they do?

2009-02-09T15:38:00.002-05:00

here are some excerpts from my eharmony profile. see, i told you it was interesting to learn new things about myself.

AGREEABLENESS - A General Description of How You Interact with Others

You are important. So are other people, especially if they are in trouble. You have a tender heart, but you know how to establish and keep personal boundaries. You are empathetic and compassionate, but you also believe that it's best if people solve their own problems and learn to take care of themselves, if they are able.

You are deeply moved by the needs of others, but you know that if you don't take good care of yourself, you'll wind up being of no use to anyone. So yours is a thoughtful compassion. You strive to be fair and sensible, taking care of others while also taking care of yourself.

When someone really is in trouble, you like to collaborate with them toward a solution; they do their part, you do yours. You consider carefully, and respond in a sensible way; they do their part, and together you move through the difficulty.

You seldom act impulsively; rather, when a problem arises, you take your time to think through the situation. This contemplative quality usually means that you'll arrive at a diplomatic solution, one that's fair for the other person and also fair to you. It's frequently a win/win situation.

OPENNESS - A General Description of How You Approach New Information and Experiences

Like someone who can sleep comfortably on either side of the bed, you are equally at home with ideas and beliefs that you have held for a long time and with new ways of thinking and believing that grow out of your intellectual curiosity.

Your sense of who you are and what your place is in the world around you rests on values and principles that are the solid ground you walk upon. You've tested them, they work for you, and much of the time you are content to trust them, that is, until some provocative new idea slips in from a conversation, book or some flight of your active imagination. "Hmmmm. What's this. Never thought of it before." And off you go, exploring.

Since you love to learn, you've always been teachable; you absorb new information, which means you are well-educated in things that matter to you. Sometimes your intellectual exploring will lead you back to where you started; the "next new thing" proves too shallow or impractical to you. But once in a while a new idea or belief will dislodge you from the ground you've stood upon; it is so compelling and persuasive that you step away from the tried-and-true and embrace this notion that is brand new to you.

Because you hold both solid beliefs and are open to new ideas, you are accepting of other people and other ways of thinking and believing. You are flexible enough to listen to something new and different, or something outside of your comfort zone; if it works for you, you'll take it in, and if not, you'll let it go. In this sense, you know who you are: you are neither closed-minded nor wildly open-minded, but walk somewhere near the middle of the intellectual road.

EMOTIONAL STABILITY - A General Description of Your Reactivity

Each one of us encounters some hard times; we get caught off guard, or feel a sudden swell of emotion, whether from fear, joy, anger or sadness. Life is just like this sometimes. You know that because you are an emotional person. Some people go to great lengths to keep their emotions under wraps, to keep a stiff upper lip, to not let others know what emotions they are feeling. But that is not you. You embrace all of life's emotions, both the joys and the turmoil that life brings our way.

When you're having fun with a group of friends you don't even try to contain your pleasure; you laugh hard and feel every moment of the conversation because of the joy that comes from the experience. You make very intense friendships; ones where all of the depth of emotions that you feel can be shared. Emotions are such an essential part of your everyday life. You may cry at intense movies or when watching a sad story on the evening news. You get angry, at others or at yourself, and you do not stifle it. Emotions drive your personality and your relationships - you simply are what you feel.

You experience both the highs and the lows more profoundly than most. And you usually relish the intensity of your emotions. For sure you enjoy the positive times. There are those times, though, when your feelings get the best of you and you wonder how you will manage the moment. But because you are so in tune with all of your emotions you will experience something very pleasant and will be able to engage with that positive feeling to again enjoy the wonderful intensity that life brings you.

CONSCIENTIOUSNESS - A General Description of How You Interact with Others

When you take on a task at work or at home, you are reliable; you get the job done. In an organized way, you define the goal, lay out a plan, figure how long the task will take, and get to work "solid and dependable you".

But and this is important you're not a slave to the plan. You're committed to it, but not chained to it; the connection is more casual and informal. You know that sometimes "the best laid plans" fall off the tracks; when this happens, you clean up the train wreck and start over, undeterred.

Though not happening often, when plans change, you're okay with it. In fact, sometimes you change the plan. It's too nice of a Saturday to finish organizing the garage. Let's go for a bike ride instead. True, the next rainy Saturday will likely find you back in the garage, but for now the work can wait.

What an interesting combination of qualities in you're organized, but casual; solid, but compliant; and dependable, but informal. At home and at work, people know they can rely on you. You take great satisfaction in knowing that people think of you as disciplined and responsible, but you also know that you have something of a free spirit in you, and when this spirit moves you, off you go, following the impulse of the moment. You are rightly proud of your work ethic, but you also enjoy your willingness to lay the tools down, crank up the music and play like a child.

EXTRAVERSION - A General Description of How You Interact with Others

Lucky you! You enjoy your own company as much as you enjoy the company of others. You are a great conversationalist and thrive in the wonderful kinds of connections you know how to have with your family and friends. You also equally enjoy your own company, whether sitting in a favorite chair with your book and soft music playing or meandering in the woods by yourself. You like coming home to your family or your roommate; but if no one is home, you find quiet, solitary time to be just as pleasurable. What a great combination to enjoy being outgoing and to be just as comfortable being reserved. Lucky you!!

Because you are so amiable and relaxed, you are comfortable with almost any group of family or friends. Whether they are pumped up and lively or calm and subdued, you remain at ease. If someone needs to take over the conversation, you are comfortable taking the lead; you can also lay back and let someone else be in charge. If the conversation gets rowdy, your moderate demeanor will often draw it down to a more temperate level. If someone in the group loses their cool, you will most likely maintain your poise, and if they get nasty you know how to keep a civil tongue.

You may find yourself out of balance on occasion. If you're alone too much, you may need to get in touch with someone. If you spend too much time with your family and friends, you may need to sneak off for a day by yourself, to putter and read and clear your head of the noise of too much conversation. When you're at your best, you live with a rhythm of time with others, time alone, time with others, time alone It's a satisfying, comfortable balance. Lucky you!

so what do you think? pretty close? i think eharmony did fail to catch my somewhat stubborn personality :)

the extent of boredom

2009-02-09T15:32:00.001-05:00

i was so bored at work today . . . that i filled out an eharmony profile. ha. it's entertaining to learn things about yourself.

one year

2009-02-02T11:44:00.004-05:00

it's hard to imagine all that i have learned in the past year - about myself, my life, my career, my faults, my future, my dreams.

i guess it's a little late to be reflecting on the past year (since it is already february), but i realized this morning where i was this exact time last year - in a physical locale sense = colorado springs winning a writing award - and it created a rush of memories - the ups and downs, hopes and conflicting fears, compromises and investments, job changes, health concerns, back and forth between career goals...

i can honestly say that 2008 was the best and worst year of my life! ha.
a whirlwind. and definitely taxing, that is for sure.

i went from winning an award and having high hopes of finding a publisher and agent, to within hours learning the heartbreaking ins and outs of the publishing world - that it isn't quite that easy...and sometimes people will want to take your vision and turn it into something altogether different.

in that same weekend though, i also discovered that i am not at all alone on this roller-coaster ride. the life of a writer is challenging, at best. but there are plenty of people out there offering support and encouragement.

nonetheless, i was so disheartened come april, that i decided i should chock up my win as a lucky bonus in life and retreat back to my original goal: becoming a professor. that is, until 8 months later when i was reminded of what the world of scholarship does to my mental health (ha)!!

with that came a deep evaluation of life in general - how did i want mine to count in the grand scheme of things? i knew that i loved to teach. and i still knew that i had a voice with something worthwhile to say...just HOW?

GIOTGU: The Project was born. the dream.

so yeah, 2008 was rough, but i wouldn't change a single thing. every event brought me to where i am today.

can't wait to see what 2009 holds.